Concluding Recommendations: Cincinatta Rubric

Honored sovereigns of the Disputatious Assembly, I realize that taking my recommendations regarding the Disarrangement Act to heart may be difficult, in light of my particular qualifications and the polarizing debate over my appointment to this solemn committee. In the spirit of approaching the problem before us objectively, therefore, I ask that you consider the other sovereigns in this chamber, especially the ones who opposed my appointment. I bet my gold star for the week that you distrust half of those bastards at least as much as you distrust me. With that in mind, my recommendations.

I heartily endorse the Disarrangement Act, but I have some concerns over the most common implementation details floating around. For starters, it is absolutely essential that Kingsland be moved from its current land, even if the standard procedure will be to move a country with its land. We've tried everything under the sun to get rid of our troubles, from asking them nicely to leave to electing them mayor. Don't throw us under the bus here.

One major practical concern for moving countries around is that every continent has some number of ominous fixed-point cubes embedded in its bedrock. In order to be able to move them, therefore, I recommend that the land be divided not along national lines, but rather along lines drawn between neighboring subterranean cubes. This may require redrawing some national boundaries, but let's be honest, the Partitioning was a long time ago and I'm sure the up-and-coming generation of cartographers would like to make their mark (literally) on history. Based on cube charts, these chunks should also be easier to move around, which brings me to my next recommendation.

Everybody in the world is worried about the glut of ravenous squid-trees in the oceans. What if the Hegemony fails at keeping an eye on them all, and we get another El Fauces del Diablo situation? Fear not, for these cube-partitioned pieces of land will be the perfect size for dropping onto clusters of squid-trees. Some biosphere fascists once suggested to me that we could even cut some of them round and have the Panarkian biome carriers push them around like steamrollers. Currently, Panark isn't a fan of the Disarrangement Act, so eliminating the biggest existential threat to their country at the same time should make it more palatable to them.

Of course, Panark might not like the idea of loading their carriers with gigantic pieces of landmass and going to war with malevolent plants. In that case, I recommend relocating Panark to Zor Olo via symphonic warp technology. The Assembly will have some wiggle room to shuffle countries around if a few of them are put into space. They won't be lonely, as I'm told the Ulgravian Diaspora wants to get its hands on the Ultimate Dragonopolis to head there anyway. Panark is the obvious choice to warp to the moon, because they're based in ships already, and symphonic warp traversal works best with something that's already a vehicle. We could have The Lunchtime Fallacy pilot each of them up there individually, but they're kind of hard to book, so I suggest just aiming each Panarkian vessel at Zor Olo when it's level with the horizon, sticking a Grimer Primer on the front, and playing "Ascension" from Iurezza into it. Plus, they can run so many divine assembly computations because they use the oceans for cooling, right? Well, space is pretty cold, so it'll be even better for them. I'm sure they already know this from all the work they do running the Taurus. And if the alleged professor, of whose classes many of you are alumni, were to be on one of those ships being sent off-world, well, wouldn't that be interesting? But, of course, as long as Panark is persuaded to cooperate, you needn't go through the trouble yet.

Another major practical concern, exacerbated by my recommendation above, is that much of the planning has assumed that the countries would be towed or pushed, rather than carried directly on ships. Obviously, towing a piece of land over a squid-tree grove to crush it isn't going to work, because the squid-trees will just eat the ship first. But most ships aren't big enough to fit a landmass on top of them. This is not a hard problem to solve when you think about it. There are at least three forms of hard light projection that will work to expand the available holding area of even a small ship, thus allowing them to carry, and then drop, these landmasses on squid-trees and anything else the Assembly deems worthy of being squashed by a piece of continent. The possibility of hard light projections at a massive scale has been empirically demonstrated in the Autocratic Plenitude of Mizzin, where massive arrays of projectors close off all avenues of escape after curfew before the Queen releases her innumerable hordes of marionette children to clean the streets of garbage and curfew delinquents.

Finally, I recommend that the beginning of the Disarrangement be scheduled for the day after Tesseraction Eve. While in some sense the Disarrangement will be a vindication of the unreasonable hope cultivated by some Kingslanders that something will eventually deliver us from Kingsland, I think a more compelling reason can be offered to those not from the city. As much as I wholeheartedly support the Act, I recognize that many things could go horribly wrong. What if we launch Panark at Zor Olo, they don't decelerate in time, and the impact of their ships vaporizing against the surface of the moon cracks it open and releases whatever is sealed inside? What if we're not careful with how we crush the ravenous squid-trees with our landmasses, and we end up stranding countries in the middle of hungry, aquatic forests of death? What if the Hegemony celebrates its victory and accidentally cuts off the Chorus Perpetual, and we plunge into the sun?

Well, then maybe you'll all know what we deal with on a daily fucking basis in Kingsland.

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Cincinatta Rubric, MsD