Biosphere fascism

Nobody wants to believe we're all screwed. Meanwhile I'm over here and I study this shit on a professional basis, so I'm constantly hearing uneducated morons tell me how we're not actually screwed. I'm like "Have you even read Why Everything Goes to Shit?" And then they go (and it's usually a man between 20 and 40 saying this) "Well, yeah, but the author doesn't consider that his model assumes—" and that's usually when I kick them in the balls.

Listen, you self-indulgent horsewives, entropology is built on fucking math. You don't have to assume anything, you just have to plug the numbers in and see what comes out. And what comes out is "you're screwed."

One of our sister fields, biosphere fascism, is built around this whole problem. It used to be "environmental science" back in the day, but the environmental scientists kept running numbers that spelled out "you're screwed" and nobody wanted to believe them. There were a bunch of attempts to soft-pressure everyone into realizing they were killing the environment, but those went exactly nowhere. So they scrapped the whole field and replaced it with "biosphere fascism," which was lighter on the environmental science and heavier on making public examples of dissidents.

There were a ridiculous number of environmental problems by the early tenth century, including rising acidity in the oceans (or at least most of them), a bunch of species going extinct for a bajillion reasons, and Kingsland. Some academics will also talk about air pollution, but don't listen to them. They're racists and they hate zeppelins because they hate their miserable selves. Anyways, once the Hegemony of Whales came into the picture, there were a bunch of treaties meant to ensure ocean pollution wasn't used as a political weapon, but then they went and fucked it up with the Yggdrasil Project. Academia started figuring maybe the government wasn't gonna help.

So the biofascists started taking matters into their own hands. Biofascist grants funded a number of leftover devices theorized by the peerless Dr. Stafford and biofascist activist groups took a leaf out of Queen Buttface the Prick's book and disappeared a couple obstreperous upstarts that no one's gonna miss. Well, no one important. Well, I don't.

These days compliance with biofascist orthodoxy is enforced by the Joint University Strike Team for Interdisciplinary Collaboration Enforcement. If you go around denying climate change, they just bust down your door and go "Stop, evildoer! Come quietly or in pieces!" And you're like "But I don't believe in scientific evidence!" and they're like "it's peer reviewed, you regressive ball of ignorance" and you're like "I peer reviewed your mom" and they're like "I'll peer review your face" and then they shoot you in the face. Which is hilarious, but ultimately just another example of everything going to shit, because my oldest daughter is in her edgy phase and I hate monitoring her internet use so that fucking academic hit squads don't come knocking on our door.

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Gwen Hanson, PhD