Zor Olo

Long revered for its eerie beauty, historical significance and association with magic, Zor Olo is the third and smallest moon. But you don't care about that. You're reading this article to find out why there's a giant fucking smiley face in the night sky, leering at you and scaring the snotty little bipedal consumerism batteries you call children.

First off, researchers are pretty sure that the moon didn't start out that way. (Like, duh, it's a fucking ball of rock. Smiley faces aren't natural fucking phenomena.) The historical record puts it as one of the main inciting events for the Roerbach Incident. So really the big puzzle is how it got that way. How'd someone fuck up a moon eight hundred years before anyone made it to space?

Well, there's an easy answer and a hard answer. The easy answer is we don't really know how it was done, so we probably don't have to worry about the same thing happening to one of the other moons, or to the planet. Besides, it's been a long time, so we're probably done with that sort of thing happening again, right? Yeah, well, easy answers are for cowards.

The hard answer is that we do know why it happened: fucking Kingsland. ("We" here excludes the whole lot of tumor-brained sea cows who blame Flandre.) Shoulda been obvious in hindsight, really. Like, their whole fucking shtick is "oh no, the stars are right, we're all doomed!" And I get that y'all wanna just laugh the whole thing off, cuz when has an ancient Kingslander deity ever shown up and fucked up your front lawn?

Well, it happened. Apparently some kinda eldritch thingy showed up and they managed to seal it in the moon. That's what caused the giant smily cracks. It also fucked up the ocean despite the fact that tides don't work that way.

So here's the thing—your dismissive, I-don't-wanna-worry-about-this-because-it-distracts-me-from-watching-television attitude is ridiculously stupid, because every night the tentacle-prints of some unspeakable horror play voyeur on your pathetic excuse for a sex life. Just in case you weren't paying attention, we've got ancient Kingslander records saying the holes in the third moon happened because the stars were right for once. Like, you wanna talk about butterfly effects? What do you do when the butterfly is some eleventh-dimensional thing that can't eat us because the continents happen to be aligned in the right way? What the fuck do you think happens when you move them around?

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Gwen Hanson, PhD