Symphonic warp traversal

One thing that I really think we need to consider is that if we move countries around because of the Disarrangement Act, it's not strictly necessary that all of them have to stay on Planet Earth. If we go down that road, then the technology of choice for doing so is undoubtedly symphonic warp traversal. First devised by the mad inventor Rime Grimes, SWT is a technological marvel whose foundational principles researchers have yet to uncover. But the basic theory is simple to explain: an orchestra is positioned in front of an acoustic capture device, which then feeds the sound into what Grimes called a "Grimer Primer," which communicates that information to an engine. Scientists have discovered it is possible but rarely wise to deviate from Grimes's engine design, even though it is admittedly alarming to rely on a lightspeed engine composed entirely out of cardboard, duct tape, and rubber bands.

Researchers have found much greater success by varying the kind of music that is played into the Grimer Primer. While Grimes's notes insist that classical music is "THE way to go, my chummy chums," early warp experiments ran into materiel problems because most governments refused to risk the national symphonic orchestra in a perilous space experiment. This reluctance stalled warp research for several years until researchers from Katskria (one of of the Very Definitely Independent States) hired a neoclassical metal band, which was deemed sufficiently expendable that the experiments could continue. Since then, warp researchers have tried many genres, discovering that the quality of warp travel is tied to qualities of the music played:

• Classical music typically makes for the smoothest ride, although smooth jazz tends to do better at this

• Rock or metal lend themselves to faster, if bumpier, travel

• Punk rock has the unnerving propensity to send the ship in the wrong direction entirely

• The one recorded use of dubstep in a symphonic warp traversal device destroyed the ship entirely

In addition to the pre-existing genres, Vigotskian researchers aboard Taurus Research Station are reportedly in the process of developing a new genre of music, "warp trance," specifically suited for warp travel. It is certain to be a harrowing process, and I am sure we all wish them well.

One concluding note: many lay people are afraid that warp travel might lead to the destruction of the Earth, reasoning that a spaceship travelling at faster-than-light speeds is essentially a massive bullet that could shatter the planet. I just did the math, and I have concluded that they are absolutely right, and we should all fear for our lives. But life is so busy and we all have so much to do, so I recommend limiting your stupefying terror to no more than fifteen minutes per day.

---

Dr. Herbert Jones
University of Eyesland
Professor of Cataloguing Various Things
Heinrich Stafford Chair of Arrangement
PhD in Miscenallia

This shit always gets me going. Do you know where they got that idea? From Ulgrav. There's a paper from one of our researchers a year or two before the VDIS experiments where the author (don't remember the name, fuck i'm drunk) suggests trying different genres of music to see what happens. Up comes this fucker from Velskyavo, who walks into, into, fuck. Whatever. Walks into the researcher's lab and says "Hey dude"—wait, Jameson, that was the guy's name—says "Hey Jameson, you working on anything cool?" Jameson says "Fuck yeah, dude, wanna see?" Velsky fucker says "Totally, dude," then shoots him and all of his lab assistants and walks off with all his shit. So now the history books say that warp travel came out of the VDIS, which is completely missing the fuckign point.

You know why Ulgrav was researching warp travel? Because we need some fucking land, and we're desperate enough that we'll take it on other planets if we have to.

---

Gwen Hanson, PhD

Citations: National Academy of Velskyavo / The Ulgravian Diaspora