Key of Xemonides

Until The Unnamed Museum acquired the Key of Xemonides, mathematicians had formally, conclusively proven that Protoellipses could not be constructed from other protoellipses. They were wrong, and in fact, protoellipses may be constructed from an uncountable recursion of other protoellipses, given a finitely-uncountably deep mental state, as might be achieved by a wide net of population staying brain-healthy and eating a balanced diet of Dragonflesh and higher-order pastries, as was the case in the Third Dynasty of Meteora.

The matter of location for the Key of Xemonides has caused some confusion, which I feel can easily be cleared up. The Key of Xemonides had an unnamed predecessor, here referred to as the protokey, which, after its creation in the Scorialic Sea, was soon acquired by none other than Kelorna the Extremely Confused. Noticing its unique structure, she attempted to build the Literarosphere around it. Naturally, it exploded, causing the protokey to crack deeply. In a fit of rage, it was torn asunder by Thrognurith the Dragon Rider into the Key of Xemonides. This meant that one layer of the recursion was shed and fragmented, but its layers remained uncountable. Currently, it is reportedly possessed by myself, Thrognurith, Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men, Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine, Kevyn: Drogoanthropic Hybrid & Class “B” Dooshbäg, and the Unnamed Museum, all of whom / which are fabulously famous, perhaps suggesting a predictive ontological requirement to “steal” this key without at best, turning into a pillar of ash, and, at worst, keyshock. This probably should cause speculations as to the true nature of immortality, and how it applies to the protokey’s shattering and relation to the Literarosphere.

Everyone knows that the key to a good Key Lime Pie is the stirring implement, and feasibly, there could be none better than the Key of Xemonides. Now, such a powerful dessert might cause pillars of ash or keyshock upon glances, let alone consumption, to an individual without the proper Brainsplainer, but alternatives exist. Thanks to new technology developed at The Underground Academy, we now have a special process for breeding Turtledragons, and we’re passing the savings onto you! Not only will our Turtledragon meat be available at the best butchers in the land, accessories including Turtledragon Shell Spoons and Oil Gland Firestarters will enable you to create sparkling Key Lime Pies in no time!

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Gustivus Pulluman, Author of the New, Critically-Acclaimed Companion Book One Hundred and Twenty Tips and Tricks for Dragonflesh that will have you saying, 'Really, now?'

CONFIDENTIAL: FOR THE EYES OF DR. OPHELIA GUMPHRY ONLY

We need to do something about her. I fear she’s no longer fully Concerned, and is showing signs of Ingenuosity and re-fragmenting her shattered personality. Since her articles started to leak, we’ve seen a 9% decrease in Dragonflesh consumption, 25% drop in Brainsplainer sales, and only a 1% increase in upper-dimensional baked goods. We need to find an alternate solution to keyshock and dragonfire. I recommend delaying any publication of the Lexicon Draconium until we can resolve this issue. Also, come to my office. I’ve been talking to the Dean and the Bardslayers, and think the final menu for the Birthday Bash is ready.