Brainsplainer

Of all the wooly hoaxes that the so-called "academy" "elites" have pulled over the eyes of the public, no hoax is so wooly nor so far pulled as the "brainsplainer". Touted by its snake-oil salesmen as a way to read protoellipses without succumbing to "key madness", these conspirators (for that is the only word appropriate to the occasion) claim that the technology has antecedents in the Literarosphere of Kelorna the Extremely Confused. Tell me, when was the last time anything built by that madwoman worked? Hogwash, the lot of it. I've disassambled a brainsplainer, and I can't tell what anything inside it does.

These carnival hooligans haven't stopped at pushing their wares only on Guage Key researchers, either. The latest "studies" (ha! as if) claim that even reading the Codex should be done with a brainsplainer, due to proto-protoelliptic effects etched into the magmatic pages themselves. They say that the existence of these effects is a clue to uncovering the catastrophe that destroyed Ergniramniphoniclufiville -- but wouldn't that be just so convenient for these "researchers", who no doubt will take such a "result" as an opportunity to ask for more funding?

In reality, there is probably no such thing as protoelliptic psychic shock. It is a lie sold by dragonflesh butchers to hype up their wares, eaten up by consolation-prize dracoscientists to explain why their protoelliptic research projects keep falling through. News flash: not everyone can do dracoscience with the big boys. I've read every protosllipsis on Epiliton twice, and only had three nosebleeds -- and one of those was just because of the pain medication I was snorting. If there were such a thing as key madness, I would have it in spades, but I don't. Explain that, you third-rate hacks.

P.S. 'Twas I who stole that unanimite lunchbox from the office fridge, and no, I'm not giving it back. Ever since I've started using it as a helmet, the voices have gotten quieter. If you want it back, you'll have to pry it from my cold, oddly-vibrating hands.