Ergniramniphoniclufiville

An excerpt from the Ergniramniphoniclufiville Heights Season 9 finale

The lights come up on KELORNA and JASON, both seated in her apartment’s infernatorium. JASON appears puzzled and concerned, and KELORNA is gesturing wildly, her crooked teeth in a half-smile.

KELORNA: ...and that’s how I’ll retrieve the Gauge Enigma, whether that crafty Atherton Guage likes it or not!

JASON: Oh, Kelorna, I’ve been dying to tell you… the other night when I was lava-boating with Louisa, it wasn’t how it looked at all --

KELORNA: I’ll be right back; I’ve got to go engrave my plan on the lava slab by my bedside table.

KELORNA exits through the upstage crater.

JASON: Are you writing it on the first half? Or the second half with those nice, perforated, tearable pages?

KELORNA (muffled): The second half, you fool! That’s where all the good secrets go. No doomsday device belongs in the first half, only useless personal ramblings! If somebody could find it a hundred years later and overthink its significance, it belongs in the first half -- a doomsday device is far too practical for the first half!

JASON stands. Soft organ music begins to play.

JASON: Kelorna… I have a confession. I can’t take it anymore! I’ve… I’ve never loved you at all! Every night, as I fall asleep, I’m thinking of Mildred and the fire that burns eternal in her eyes. After her untimely demise, I don’t think I could ever love again!

KELORNA: Mildred…? Hmmm… Was she the one I accidentally jettisoned into the Enigma last month?

JASON: Atherton was right to leave you! You’re a monster who can’t understand love! All these doomsday devices of yours… the death-helmet, then the flame-mangler… and now it’s this Literarosphere of yours! Will you ever stop plotting the world’s demise for long enough to for another living being to matter to you at all?

KELORNA: No… Wait, hold on, “love”? Is that why you’ve been living in my apartment?

JASON: I knew it! I knew this volcano wouldn’t be big enough for the both of us! I’d sooner burn in a pool of magma than say another word to you!

JASON leaps out of a window into the fires below.

DIRECTOR (from off the set, panting): Wait! We’ve changed our mind! We’ll re-negotiate your contract!

KELORNA returns, cackling. She is holding the LITERAROSPHERE CONTROLS with both hands. The screen fades to fire while an organ in a deliberately unspecified location swells to a crescendo.

JASON / DIRECTOR (simultaneously): Nooooooooooo!

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