Unanimite

Dear Authors of the Lexicon,

It has come to my attention that the artisinally-crafted unanimite lunchbox I won from the raffle at last year’s Lexicon sweater party was stolen from the community refrigerator. I know that the thief must have taken it sometime in the last 3 day (4 day?) revolution of the Guage Enigma.

I will remind you that unanimite is expensive, having been created only in a small quantity by Kelorna to turn excess “real world” heat energy quanta into meaningful development of the Literarosphere. Of course, this has the delightful consequence of causing the box to maintain a permanent and comfortable thirty-six-point-eight degree temperature, but I wouldn’t expect a lunch-pilfering mongoloid such as yourself to have an appreciation for the metal’s finer technical merits.

Gustivus, if this was you again, I swear to God, I’ll see to it personally that the fireminds replace your other arm too. While moxie is an excellent spice, it’s best served warm and untainted by property crime. I think your estranged culinary mentor would agree. Need a “brash” new idea? Don’t 👏 steal 👏 my 👏 lunch.

This is a transcendental and valuable artifact, and isn’t some inconsequential container you can take in and out of the refrigerator – it is my lunchbox, and I demand that whoever took it return it immediately.

Fie on you, filthy food thief! Don’t make me fix my caps lock key!

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A CONCERNED MOTHER