Omega Point Coffee Secretor

The Omega Point Coffee Secretor is the bane of my existence. Its hulking, industrial carapace takes up a full half of the Butterfly Effect Advisory Committee's break room. On Tuesdays, it emits a constant hum that resonates with all of the silverware, making the conference room next to the break room impossible to do any work in on account of the clattering. The user interface is badly designed, and half of the buttons "accidentally" trip safety overrides, making the machine capable of causing serious injury to its operator. A non-negligible percent of the time, it turns the cup into coffee instead of filling it. There's no place to remove the used coffee grounds, but it never runs out of room no matter how much more we keep adding, and some of the Committee members are starting to worry about where it's all going. And yet, it makes the best damn coffee you ever tasted. It's infuriating.

Say what you will about the alleged professor, and I certainly do, but he was one clever sonnuvabitch. The OPCS is a technological marvel capable of dispensing coffee to any point within a hundred feet through what IT tells us is a wormhole similar to the one created by a Grimer Primer. Having warp technology in the break room has been deemed a major workplace safety violation, but none of the office supervisors have been able to get its removal approved, because it's on record as being the property of Placeholden, and moving it would require getting the sovereign thereof to sign off on the move. Not that getting the signature would help; the uninstall manual has 🔇 in it.

The Secretor makes some non-coffee beverages, too, but its performance is less consistent doing them. When I figured out where the cream soda menu was, instead of filling the cup I had put into the cup receptacle, it filled all of the cups in the cupboards, then added cream to Gwen's coffee in the next room. While it is technically capable of making hot chocolate, it seems to only recognize toilet bowls as valid containers for it. The Secretary loves hot chocolate, so eventually she just started bringing a toilet-shaped novelty mug when she comes by for meetings. Some of the dysfunctions are fairly useful for other purposes, as well: the steamed milk options actually launch seek-and-destroy missiles, which came in handy the one time Cincinatta let a marionette child into the Committee wing of the building.

Sadly, though the Omega Point Coffee Secretor seems to be able to do anything, the terrible user interface has so far stymied Kain's efforts to find out how to have it make him a shower — or so I assume is the reason he smells like he sleeps in the janitorial closet.

Wait, wasn't he fired? Why do I keep seeing him in the office?

Cincinatta, why did you let that fisher crow into the building?

I didn't let it in. It had a valid ID card. I just held the door open for it because its hands were full. But sure, I'm the villain here for being polite to a coworker, and not the people who shot it down with surface-to-air missiles. Take a diversity seminar or something, you bigots.

Rubric, he smells like he sleeps in the janitorial closet because he fucking sleeps in the janitorial closet. He basically admitted as much in his article on Gorson. AND he keeps taking my favorite couch.

Citations: General Kade "Ripper" Gorson

I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding, my friends. I was also concerned about Mr. Kain showing up in the break room from time to time, but he assured me that he's just clearing his things out and he'll be done any day now. Besides, he is the janitor, you know. He told me there's a lot of paperwork involved, which is why he's on our computers all the time. I'm sure we can allow it out of respect for a former colleague.

Awful lot of my favorite snacks missing from the break room cupboards every night for a night janitor who's "just clearing his things out". If he needs some wheels greased to finish the job, I'd be happy to oblige. As in, I just found the Secretor's grease menu, and it's got all sorts of grease in it. Wheel grease, elbow grease, you name it, it greases it. Honestly, I just want to see if this grease menu works. Anyone have a squeaky chair and/or deep fryer?

oh fuck she let in another one

how the hell did it fit through that vent

oh fuck she greased it