Professor Hazard McKinley

Professor Hazard McKinley is an adventurer, author, and popular science personality. Note that he is not actually a professor; his parents were just very hopeful. McKinley is best known for braving the Razor Valley region on purpose, despite not being a native of Selestei. His account of that expedition, along with other perilous exploits such as hunting the electric undead and wrestling a Ravenous Squid-Tree, are recounted in his memoir Hazard Is My Middle Name.

Born to Charles and Junia McKinley in 963, young Professor showed a great affinity for the natural world, which he attributes to spending a great deal of time with his dog Rupert. His peers noted that his personality and mannerisms were much more suited to the culture of Selestei than his native Shaster. McKinley, however, was not deterred by his differences, and those who knew him in those times maintain that by the time he reached adulthood he was extremely well-liked by all who met him.

While McKinley did not ultimately seek the academic career his parents had hoped for him, he has maintained a cordial relationship with the academy. His writing, initially published in newspaper columns before moving to respected journals, has helped raise public awareness of key issues affecting the environment and conservation activism. In respect of his achievements, the National University of Shaster awarded him an honorary degree in biosphere fascism in AES 988. My contacts in the memetosociology department over there tell me that this move was partly so they could convince him to come teach there, but he's gone on record saying that he'd sooner give up hunting than take a desk job.

Nevertheless, for someone who hates desk jobs, McKinley has made a respectable academic showing. Though he has his detractors, particularly those who attack anyone who supports the environment (cough Gwen cough), the broader academic community has responded positively to his work. Some biofascists are even beginning to consider his 990 paper "Bludgeoning With Facts: An investigation of the limits of metaphor" to be a landmark in the field, although of course it is too early to say whether that will hold up in the years to come.

Recently, McKinley has made waves with the announcement that he is attempting to tame fisher crows. While this would be noteworthy in its own right, his stated intent is to train them to hunt poachers, thus preserving the integrity of Razor Valley. It is unknown how this plan would affect the Selesteine custom of abandoning their youths in the middle of the Valley once they come of age at 16.

Listen up, you motherfucker, here's the actual reason people don't like McKinley. It's because—say it with me, kids—everything goes to shit. You used to be able to have a decent conversation about the way all the studies on e.g. Ulgravian airship pollution come out of the National Academy of Velskyavo and the money trail disappears into the fucking ocean. But the fucking hippies got fed up when people didn't swallow their so-called "evidence," so they turn to charismatic arsonists like McKinley who say "Instead of reading the studies, roll them up like a fucking newspaper and beat your opponents with them!" There's a fucking reason Bludgeoning with Facts was only printed in hardcover. Some editions don't even have words!

News flash! He's not a real professor! Why the fuck would you trust him with scholarship?

Citations: The Hegemony of Whales / National Academy of Velskyavo / The Ulgravian Diaspora

Where in your strange, hallucinogenic world did you come up with the idea that McKinley is an arsonist?

It's all there in my upcoming book, Bludgeoning with Metaphors: An Investigation into the Limits of My "Peers'" Intelligence.