Jalapeñosis

Historically, the Grim Weepers, Selestei's elite shock troops, ate extremely spicy food before going into battle. Because they were the vanguard, they had less-than-extensive lifespans, and thus the diseases of old age were unknown to them. After the Department of Glory reassessed the Weepers' military role, their life expectancy went up, allowing them to live long enough to suffer the effects of jalapeñosis, a disease seemingly caused by a lifetime of eating the special diet of spicy Selesteine cuisine that characterizes the Grim Weepers. Weepers afflicted by early stage jalapeñosis manifest increasingly red skin and elevated body temperatures. Their breath becomes increasingly acidic, as does their body chemistry in general. As the disease progresses, the symptoms intensify, until in the late stages the patient's skin is bright red and too hot to touch and the patient's breath instantly wilts plants and inflicts chemical burns. Finally, the patient's body temperature reaches a critical point, and the patient spontaneously combusts. It is believed by historians that the historical accounts from Pentex Lannogaster of Selesteines "becoming as Sels" are actually ancient cases of terminal jalapeñosis being interpreted through the lens of the Selesteine myth in which the hero Sels eats a sun. Rudimentary understanding of this phenomenon must have existed before the Grim Weepers' reassignment in 971, because one of the eighth-century Hierarchs of the Fractured Cities invited a terminal case to a bloodmoot to stand next to a box of fireworks.

The exact etiology of jalapeñosis is unknown, since the Grim Weepers are reluctant to publicize their secret recipes. An exception was made for Professor Hazard McKinley, who spent six months doing botanical studies in Selestei before submitting a confidential report to the King. McKinley is under a non-disclosure agreement with respect to the contents of the report, though he has revealed that the Mad King had made some changes to the recipes that were now being reevaluated. Some biologists outside of Selestei have attempted research projects into the possible active ingredients, which have generally run aground on the utter madness that is Selesteine cuisine. Their beer is more massive by volume than concrete, and some of their condiments are also used in industrial manufacturing. It is an enduring mystery how the Selesteines are even alive, but it does give some perspective on jalapeñosis, since apparently becoming a toxic walking firebomb isn't considered a negative health outcome. It's definitely a negative janitorial outcome, because the last time a Grim Weeper was at the Disputatious Assembly, his feet burned holes in the carpet when he stood still for too long, and it was a royal pain in the ass to clean up after.