Lexicon Draconium

Appendices Ingenuous

The Appendices Ingenuous are a large collection of documents from Ergniramniphoniclufiville¹ before its mysterious depopulation. Although less famous than the Codex Ingenuous², the Appendices contain a good deal more information, as the Codex consists entirely of diary entries, and the Appendices include everything from religious texts to take-out menus. Fortunately, the Index Ingenuous³ exists to orient those who may attempt to parse such, even if the Index is, in part, misplaced, and almost as confusing as the Appendices themselves. It has been remarked that one who masters such navigation may be able to claim distinction in any number of draco-sciences, regardless of other knowledge or qualifications.

The location of the Appendices Ingenuous is a complicated matter, but it was not always such. Upon its discovery and compilation, it seems that various documents spread throughout varies universities and academies, with a longstanding pact that any resource must be accessible, in some form or another, to any academic in decent standing. This could be enforced with the full Index, as it detailed where any article may be found. Alas, such is not the case, and since, many articles have disappeared from their institutions. In cases where the loss is discovered, the curators unequivocally point to Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine⁴ as the culprit, and refuse to comment on the connections between the missing articles and stunningly original academic work produced thereafter. It should come as a great relief to many that many originals of the Appendices are currently stored in the impenetrable Underground Academy, with their strong focus on legalistic ethics and very passable cafeteria.

The Appendices’ size is directly tied to its source and history. Since, in its time, dragon and human academics often worked together, much of the more academic work is, in fact, translations of other texts. However, the non-academic work should not be undervalued. With such documents, we gain a clearer picture of the most important heroes of the past, contextualization of the Codex, and some of our only information on dracosociology and the restaurants of the day.

Upon attempting to engage with the text, it should be noted that the units specified often do not correlate with our present-day units, despite similar naming conventions, and this separation only worsens when trying to convert between thus. Even seemingly objective measures, like proportions in the recipe-books, fail to produce repeatable results, despite being highly consistent throughout.

1. Ergniramniphoniclufiville
2. Codex Ingenuous
3. Index Ingenuous
4. Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine

Atherton Guage

A quixotic and storied figure in Codex¹ lore, Atherton Guage is the subject of so many wildly varying tales that all of them cannot possibly true—a fact, it must be said, that draws Bardslayer attention like bloody water draws sea wyrms. Given extant writings on the man, I will merely offer a brief summary.

Our actual evidence of Guage's life is scant. We know from the Codex Ingenuous that he was a prominent figure in Ergniramniphoniclufiville² and a contemporary—and political opponent—of Kelorna the Extremely Confused³. Though referred to only as the "Wheelmind" in the Codex, comments by Kelorna in the present day confirm that Guage was her primary opponent during final batch of experiments that are presumed to have resulted in Ergniramniphoniclufiville's disappearance. Unfortunately, most of these comments are off-handed references, collected from the transcripts of her characteristic monologues while e.g. unleashing another doomsday device or blowing up the current head of government. And since undergoing dragonfire-induced radical behavior modification therapy⁴, Kelorna has ceased being ingenuously "extremely confused", and is now, to all appearances, actually extremely confused. It seems unlikely she will be able to provide further information.

Guage's most notable accomplishment, however, needs no immortal supervillain to confirm its existence. To prevent the power of the Gauge Enigma⁵ from falling into the wrong hands (that is, Kelorna's), he brought forth a great working that remains without equal to this day. Lirian Inkbowels put it particularly well:

Dark the brow, quick the fingers of the Wheelmind as raised he a bulwark 'gainst the unworthy. Wheels of fire issued forth from the ground, and the Gauge Enigma[1] was enshrined in the sky, warded forever. (CI #209, p. 147)

I hardly need explain at this point that this is why the all-encompassing network of metal gears in the sky is known as the "Guage Enigma". The ever-shifting patterns among the gears make for an excellent deterrent for those like Kelorna, who is bad at math. However, it is unlikely it will stop those like the estimable D. R. Loblaw, whose groundbreaking⁶ work⁷ on the Guage Enigma would surely advance the field if he were invited to conferences anymore.[2]

[1] Some translators alternatively render the phrase εωερυβοδυ διεσ as "Great Secret". For a number of reasons, the Sel and Kimoth translation, which I use here, elected to stick with the vernacular.

[2] Alas, part of this is his fault. I am told that instead of presenting, he just stands on the podium and mumbles about numbers.

1. Codex Ingenuous
2. Ergniramniphoniclufiville
3. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
4. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire
5. Gauge Enigma
6. Epiliton
7. Haiku of Keysmith Xemoniphon the Elder

My name is A CONCERNED and I’m here to make it clear
Errybody knows cupcakes be why I’m posting here
Ophelia came around and destroyed my pure elation
By crediting herself for my beautiful creation
The underground academy likes to think they’re so righteous
But what you don’t know is that those fuckers are spineless

So let me tell you the deal-ia
My recipe stolen by Ophelia
Don’t believe the mainstream stigma
She stole it an hid it outside the Enigma¹

My rap game is a dream
Eco-kitchen has gone green
My cake recipe so mean
Acclaimed by the Dean
My ingredients so lean
More flavor than Pulluman² cuisine
Gifted minds behind a screen³
Need the one thing you have seen
My cupcakes are the thing
But they’re on a space submarine

Brainsplainer

Of all the wooly hoaxes that the so-called "academy" "elites" have pulled over the eyes of the public, no hoax is so wooly nor so far pulled as the "brainsplainer". Touted by its snake-oil salesmen as a way to read protoellipses¹ without succumbing to "key madness"², these conspirators (for that is the only word appropriate to the occasion) claim that the technology has antecedents in the Literarosphere³ of Kelorna the Extremely Confused⁴. Tell me, when was the last time anything built by that madwoman worked? Hogwash, the lot of it. I've disassambled a brainsplainer, and I can't tell what anything inside it does.

These carnival hooligans haven't stopped at pushing their wares only on Guage Key⁵ researchers, either. The latest "studies" (ha! as if) claim that even reading the Codex⁶ should be done with a brainsplainer, due to proto-protoelliptic effects etched into the magmatic pages themselves. They say that the existence of these effects is a clue to uncovering the catastrophe that destroyed Ergniramniphoniclufiville⁷ -- but wouldn't that be just so convenient for these "researchers", who no doubt will take such a "result" as an opportunity to ask for more funding?

In reality, there is probably no such thing as protoelliptic psychic shock. It is a lie sold by dragonflesh butchers to hype up their wares, eaten up by consolation-prize dracoscientists to explain why their protoelliptic research projects keep falling through. News flash: not everyone can do dracoscience with the big boys. I've read every protosllipsis on Epiliton⁸ twice, and only had three nosebleeds -- and one of those was just because of the pain medication I was snorting. If there were such a thing as key madness, I would have it in spades, but I don't. Explain that, you third-rate hacks.

P.S. 'Twas I who stole that unanimite⁹ lunchbox from the office fridge, and no, I'm not giving it back. Ever since I've started using it as a helmet, the voices have gotten quieter. If you want it back, you'll have to pry it from my cold, oddly-vibrating hands.

1. Protoellipses
2. Lexicon Draconium
3. Literarosphere
4. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
5. Guage Enigma
6. Codex Ingenuous
7. Ergniramniphoniclufiville
8. Epiliton
9. Unanimite

Childarn

It is frightening the extents to which dragon science will go. The Childarn population was conceived in a glass tube (hence their low quality¹ of meat). Their intelligence is unparalleled, and after escaping, due in part to muscae uprising², they became relatively integrated into society. There have been attempts to study them, but the lifespan of a Childarn researcher is significantly shorter than most.

Of greater interest is the psychical elements of the Childarn. Their teeth are used in the construction of protoellipses³, and it can be no accident that Childarn have varying amounts of teeth per each individual, but all have a prime number amount, which must be related to the consequent power of prime numbered protoellipsed keys. And here we have arrived at yet another metakey.

If we are able to unlock the relationship between the Childarn, their diet⁴, their prime numbered teeth, and ellipses, it may in fact be enough to unlock the Guage, or at least begin production of keys again. Only a perfect square amount of time will tell.

1. Yellow wyrmidon
2. Please Don't Shoot, We'll Do It Act
3. Protoellipses
4. Surf and Turf

Entries from the young and old depict eye witness accounts of the times when Dragons flew free and among people with little to no conflict, unless you account for the not-so-infrequent village burnings and missing livestock.

Many people believe the Codex Ingenuous to be an innocent accounting of the lives of these people with little to no circumstances or implications worth deriving from. There are some people, however, who believe the Codex Ingenuous is not this at all, but instead a series of riddles and clues that hold a grave secret, one that left the people of Ergniramniphoniclufiville² to mysteriously disappear. The Codex Ingenuous was compiled by scholars in the early 17th century after a group of wanderers happened upon the city, abandoned, with no trace of the previous residents intent to leave or struggle. It appeared that every member of this village between the ages of 8 and 35 kept a journal in the same place, their bedside table, open and exposed directly beside the right end of their beds.

There are many interpretations between scholars as to the true content of this manuscript, being that the original text was written in hieroglyphics for obvious reasons.

Speculation aside, only half of the Codex Ingenuous is even accessible today. In the late 18th century, it was split into two parts. One part, stored in the heavily guarded archives of the Vaticant. The second part, stolen by Thrognurith the Dragon Rider³ has been missing, along with him, ever since. Petitions to view and study the Codex Ingenuous are rarely met for any purposes barring the study of dragons.

1. Ergniramniphoniclufiville
2. Ergniramniphoniclufiville
3. Thrognurith the Dragon Rider

The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire

As we all know from the stories of our youths, Dragon Fire is a fierce and powerful tool that has been feared and loved by the many. As we’ve come to learn further, it can be and has been harnessed in many additional ways to benefit the education of all.

Some of its earliest recorded contributions can be seen in its forging of the five hundred and seventeen keys to the famed Guage Enigma, Dragon Fire’s unique smelting qualities were the only way such delicate work could be achieved as seen in the unparalleled details in the protoellipses¹ found in all keys (currently known of) to the Guage Enigma, most observable in Epiliton².

Other notable instances where Dragon Fire has made positive contributions to society can be traced back to its groundbreaking applications in behavioral correction. Some of the worst criminals were easily made into perfect citizens after a few quick 20-hour sessions of Dragon Fire therapy. One of the greatest successes of the 62 cases where Dragon Fire therapy was used can be seen in the case study of Client 23³. While the average temperature of Dragon Fire ranges between 84°C – 73,826°C, it is still unknown how to predict the exact temperature that will be produced at will until it has already been released from the mouth of the dragon (R.I.P. Clients 1- 5, Client 8, Client 11, Client 13, Clients 16-20, Client 22, Clients 25-47, Clients 49-57, and Client 62).

Elder Sea Serpent

Nigh-mythical sea-dragons of legendarily destructive potential, Elder Sea Serpents (taxonomic name piscis grandis horribilis, of the family Imperatoris¹; also known as Leviathans) are the primary reason that there are no coastal settlements with population in excess of fifty thousand souls. Whether this is the direct result of Elder Sea Serpent predation or a mere reflection of their reputation is a matter of scholarly debate; the fact remains that most[1] do not care to investigate the matter personally.

Historical accounts suggest that Elder Sea Serpents are native to the Scorialic Sea², but there is no small measure of uncertainty here—it is difficult to interpret Elder Sea Serpents' presence in the historical record. For one, members of the species show little of their terrestrial cousins' proclivity toward announcing their identities. Compare this passage from Cullus (CI #445, ln 4603-4606):

Descended the noble one upon the fold;
Boometh he, "I am Greattooth the Large!"
And then he devoured them all.

Hungering for flesh of man, from deep the great one rose.
"Tell us who you are, o terror," cried the warriors, "that we may worship you."
"Gift us with your name, o master" cried the women and children, "that we may die with it on our lips."
But he regarded them silently,
And then he devoured them all.

Both passages are quite typical of depictions of draconic feedings, and I could have illustrated the point with any number of authors. However, Cullus and Tarion the Younger make for an especially instructive comparison, as they were contemporaries, both writing out of the Carthusian oral tradition. (Astute readers will note the stock phrase "and then he devoured them all" which concludes both passages—Carthusian storytellers had a number of stock phrases like these, which were used to express extremely common ideas.)

Another interpretive barrier is ancient writers' tendency to introduce Leviathans into their narratives as metaphors for violent change. Hence, for example, Norwis of Julius's insistence that the Leper King was carried off by an Elder Sea Serpent, while other contemporary accounts render it a typical case of the secret taxmen³ disappearing an uncooperative sovereign. But we cannot safely assume that all such depictions are metaphors, as it is well-documented that Leviathans sometimes do attempt to make off with heads of state. (See, for example, the debacle at the Potentate's coronation last year).

However, a concluding note: these are exciting times, and more of the Codex Ingenuous⁴ is discovered every day. I have the fullest confidence that the truth will win out over the stories in the end.

[1] My use of the qualifier "most" here is in respect of the, if you'll pardon the editorializing, utter maniacs⁵ who hunt them.

1. Ordo Draco
2. Scorialic Sea
3. The Financiers Invisible
4. Codex Ingenuous
5. Surf and Turf

Epiliton

The third of five hundred and seventeen keys to the famed Guage Enigma, it remains one of the twelve and one-fifth keys to have been identified and archived. Known mainly for its streamed form and blocky cuts, much ink has been spilt into the anatomy of its overall shape. However, what has not been commented upon in enough volume is the nature of its teeth. Containing no less than 83 protoellipses¹, its craftsmanship remains unparalleled (aside from the Key of Xemonides² for obvious reasons), leading some scholars to posit (incorrectly) that this key may have been used as a prototype for a whole range of novel keys. However, upon looking closer to the shape and form of the teeth itself, one can distinctly detect influences from keys 279 and 14, though it undeniably improved vastly upon their character.

Alas, were these keys not lost to history we would perhaps be able to unravel some of the origins of the inventions of these keys. Who made them, for what purpose, diabolical or benevolent, and why were they so careless in their storage of such priceless artefacts? Such questions baffle scholars to this day and may never be answered until we properly catalogue the remaining five hundred and four and four fifths keys, truly the challenge of our lifetime.

The lights come up on KELORNA and JASON, both seated in her apartment’s infernatorium. JASON appears puzzled and concerned, and KELORNA¹ is gesturing wildly, her crooked teeth in a half-smile.

KELORNA: ...and that’s how I’ll retrieve the Gauge Enigma², whether that crafty Atherton Guage³ likes it or not!

JASON: Oh, Kelorna, I’ve been dying to tell you… the other night when I was lava-boating with Louisa, it wasn’t how it looked at all --

KELORNA: I’ll be right back; I’ve got to go engrave my plan on the lava slab by my bedside table⁴.

JASON: Are you writing it on the first half? Or the second half with those nice, perforated, tearable pages⁵?

KELORNA (muffled): The second half, you fool! That’s where all the good secrets go. No doomsday device belongs in the first half, only useless personal ramblings! If somebody could find it a hundred years later and overthink its significance, it belongs in the first half -- a doomsday device is far too practical for the first half!

JASON: Kelorna… I have a confession. I can’t take it anymore! I’ve… I’ve never loved you at all! Every night, as I fall asleep, I’m thinking of Mildred and the fire that burns eternal in her eyes. After her untimely demise, I don’t think I could ever love again!

KELORNA: Mildred…? Hmmm… Was she the one I accidentally jettisoned into the Enigma last month?

JASON: Atherton⁶ was right to leave you! You’re a monster who can’t understand love! All these doomsday devices of yours… the death-helmet, then the flame-mangler… and now it’s this Literarosphere⁷ of yours! Will you ever stop plotting the world’s demise for long enough to for another living being to matter to you at all?

KELORNA: No… Wait, hold on, “love”? Is that why you’ve been living in my apartment?

JASON: I knew it! I knew this volcano⁸ wouldn’t be big enough for the both of us! I’d sooner burn in a pool of magma than say another word to you!

DIRECTOR (from off the set, panting): Wait! We’ve changed our mind! We’ll re-negotiate your contract!

KELORNA returns, cackling. She is holding the LITERAROSPHERE⁹ CONTROLS with both hands. The screen fades to fire while an organ in a deliberately unspecified location swells to a crescendo.

1. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
2. Gauge Enigma
3. Atherton Guage
4. Codex Ingenuous
5. Thrognurith the Dragon Rider
6. Atherton Guage
7. Literarosphere
8. The Woken God
9. Literarosphere

The Lexicon Draconium was supported by draconotary grant award █████████ from the Financiers Invisible[1][2][3].

We thank Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine⁴ for not stealing the manuscripts, and Deepmaw the Sophisticated for eating Reviewer #2[4]. We thank the Financiers Invisible for not stealing our dreams with their long, ethereal fingers, the cursed digits of bodies ████████████████████████⁵.

[1] Okay, I think we're safe here. For some reason, the taxmen can't read footnotes. The Financiers Invisible are a secret society of beings whose original forms are unknown. A freak Literarosphere⁶ accident resulted in their physically visible forms being erased, but they remain with us in the form of ghostly psychic revenants, forever wailing about incentive taxes and departmental audits.

[2] Since they're invisible, it is difficult to evaluate the innumerable claims that the Financiers are responsible for this or that historical event. Such claims are usually dismissed as just-so stories, but some have gained minor traction among dracohistorians. The most well-supported of these is the recent theory that the Financiers funded the Great Merchant⁷, explaining how he was able to make such risky business ventures.

[3] There are few records of attempted resistance against the Financiers, but no records of a Financier ever being killed. This has led to a variety of folk tales about their resilience, most popularly that only the way to kill one is the intense flame of a Loong⁸ held by a pure maiden.

[4] We don't thank him for the warning that we're next, as long as Pulluman doesn't open the damn window again⁹. Ilron, did you buy those padlocks yet?

1. Surf and Turf
2. Gustivus Pulluman
3. Ontological cost
4. Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine
5. What-could-go-wrong-ism
6. Literarosphere
7. Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men
8. Loong
9. Please Don't Shoot, We'll Do It Act

Fireminds

A Firemind is an individual gifted with an innate ability to converse with dragons in a soul-based linguistic pattern known as Firetongue. Although this used to be a universal (well, near-universal¹) trait, since the collapse of Ergniramniphoniclufiville², such persons have become a rarity, with recent censuses suggesting an occurrence of approximately 1:29.

To-do: Ask Heraclitivian about that recent study, the one regarding communication with Muscae³ when he gets back. Bluh. That guy gives me a headache.

A Firemind differs not only in their ability to converse with dragons, but in the very way they think. Even the few Fireminds who do not take careers directly related to dragons tend to find success in highly bureaucratic fields, such as in library science and governmental agencies. Since Fireminds tend to excel in unconventional areas of life, their specialized communities and abilities have led to a somewhat contentious division of culture between those who are not Fireminds and those who are. It is not uncommon for regional folklore to demonize those who can speak to dragons. Certain tales call them "soulsuckers" and "lizard-people", and more modern insults attack their organizational tendencies, comparing it to the stereotypical dragon horde. As a result, certain anti-defamation unions were founded to protest this mistreatment. One notable Firemind union, The Dooshbags, even bear one such slur with a sense of pride. Others, like the Bardslayers, try to influence political and social movements in different, subtle ways. And of course, Fireminds have their own set of slurs for those they deem unimportant⁴.

Although not many Fireminds choose to become chefs (for quite a few reasons, and with the notable exception of my good friend Ophelia⁵), many become incredible, if lofty and egocentric, food critics, perhaps owing to their strong ontological forces⁶ (To-do: Need to cite Dean Loblaw's mathy thingy here).

When not involved in dragon’s-rights campaigns, Fireminds do important work and are integral members of every community. Through them, we gain key insights into biology, culture, and bureaucracies. Just because they’re a little awkward and a little weird and can occasionally cause your brainstem to feel like it’s vibrating doesn’t make them any less of people.

1. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
2. Ergniramniphoniclufiville
3. Ordo Draco
4. Talonstain
5. The Beautiful Cupcakes of Dr. Ophelia Gumphry from the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
6. Ontological cost

First Half Dynasty of Meteora

The First Half Dynasty of Meteora is known for it's groundbreaking studies on protoellipses and the ontology of their numbers. Many dracologists are known for their discoveries at this time, most noteably Atherton Guage¹ for his Prime Number Protoellipses case study. Another infamous aspect of Atherton was his public suggestion for Kelorna’s² controversial therapy which led him to beat her in the political races of that time.

The First Half Dynasty is also known for it's development of the dracomonks. Meteoric Temple³ leaders scavenged the Scorialic Sea⁴ for pirates and then subsequently searched the lands surrounding the great Woken God⁵ for any homeless people with nothing better to do and they took all those people, gave them some flashy robes, changed their names to that of firetongue⁶, and made them the first true generation of dracomonks.

*This is when it was first discovered that led piping was poisonous and hence it was all changed out (excluding the piping around all living enemies of the Meteoric Temple)
*Dracologists discovered a way to harness the power of The Woken God⁷ to power the Meteoric Temple in it's entirety

*Millions died due to the initial led piping of the area due to poison in their waters
*Hundreds died in the pits of The Woken God⁸ in order to power the Meteoric Temple⁹ which had not yet even discovered electricity.

1. Atherton Guage
2. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
3. Meteoric Temple
4. Scorialic Sea
5. The Woken God
6. Fireminds
7. The Woken God
8. The Woken God
9. Meteoric Temple

Gauge Enigma

Gauge Enigma (n.)
1: Any one of a related series of half-assed hoaxes by so called ‘dracoscientists’ perpetuated to establish their weekend tabletop RPG campaign as a hard science.
2: The puzzling fact that anyone could be so deluded as to actually believe in the existence of the so-called ‘Gauge Enigma.’
Example: “Golly,” exclaimed John, “it sure would be jolly if we unlocked the Gauge Enigma -- then I could find a respectable position at a real university and my mother might love me again!”

These bored, cyclomasturbatory Lexicon dim-wits claim that the “Gauge Enigma” contains the key to the perfect cupcake recipe -- an obvious falsehood considering the fact that everyone (even the Ergniramniphoniclufivillians¹ I store in a shoebox under my bed, ho ho!) know that creating a perfect cupcake is simply a mathematical impossibility. Furthermore, if there was a perfect cupcake, years of bake sale traditions would have uncovered it by now.

Go on, you lazy Lexicon hocks. Keep paddling your petty false hoods. Run your snivell{{ll}}lllllling little mouths as you may, you won’t escrape the tooth: the Guage Enigma² wasn’t meant to keep us out of some ‘Gauge Enigma’ -- it was meant to keep you in, and spare the rest of the universe your talentless nonsense.

You know hwhat, it’s probably a good thing all you fools are spending so much time jircle cerking about the steupid Guage Eginma. Gauge Schmage! Because speaking about jibberish wastes words, and wasting words is wasting time, and wasting time is wasting honey, the greatest thing since spliced bread. Splined beard is the superior delicacy, as a man of my distinguised tastes understadns. Everoyne snows that. Sad.

I don’t need anyboyny’s pteolropielss³. It’s nice. I’m using my own petolrpielses. I don’t care. I’m ralely rtaoianl; I’ll sohw you that. That’s jsut the knid of thnkiing you need for this uinrevse.

Guage Enigma

Not to be confused with the Gauge Enigma, the Guage Enigma is a complex system of metal gears covering the entire atmosphere. It is commonly accepted that the Guage Enigma was created by Atherton Guage for the sole purpose of preventing Kelorna the Extremely Confused¹ from accessing the Great Secret. However, recent scholarship on the Codex Ingenuous² has challenged this narrative, and at least from a textural criticism standpoint, their thesis is quite compelling.

The initial argument, known as the "Red Herring Thesis", comes from the character of the Wheelmind himself, as discussed by the anonymous author of CI #206:

Man or devil—it is not given to man to know the inner thoughts of the Wheelmind. Once you think you have grasped the scheme behind the scheme, you have but fallen into a third scheme, and yet none of those schemes had anything to do with his true purpose. (p. 89)

These sentiments are shared by many sources, apparently including Atherton Guage himself—the Guage family motto roughly translates to "Never do anything for only one reason." Thus, the scholars argue, the Guage Enigma likely served some purpose in addition to stalling Kelorna.

The Red Herring Thesis emerged around the same time as a concurrent development within the niche field of historical kleidiology. Careful analysis of the Index Ingenuous³ reveals that the production of keys actually predates the Guage Enigma. Indeed, between the keys' strange ontological⁴ and phenomenological⁵ properties, it is questionable why such advanced items would be needed to "unlock" a mere assembly of metal gears, especially when enigmonomers have yet to discover even one keyhole through telescopic observation.

Thus, we arrive at what is being termed the "Phylactery Hypothesis", which posits that the keys were actually designed as repositories for mortal souls. Though there are numerous references within the Codex to a relation between the keys and the Guage Enigma, they use the preposition "λεστ"; thus, the phrase "keys to the Guage Enigma" could also be translated "keys for the Guage Enigma." This rendering would make the keys a means of passage into or through the Enigma. By the relocation of the soul to an enduring apparatus, a mortal could theoretically avoid death indefinitely. And indeed, some immortals⁶ have hinted that this is in fact the case for some of the better-preserved keys.

The Phylactery Hypothesis also sheds new light on ambiguities in the Haiku of Keysmith Xemoniphon the Elder⁷. Kleidiologists have long puzzled over his phrase "forge the seven keys", as over 500[1] keys are known to exist. But suppose that only seven keys functioned as phylacteries. The pattern "one by four by one by one" corresponds chronologically to Atherton Guage's known⁸ key-forging⁹ activity¹⁰; Xemoniphon, greatest of the Keysmiths, may have been saying that "forging" (in the sense of "imitating" or "progressing along") Guage's journey of development is necessary to understand what he was doing—i.e., "Unlock the one Guage".

If that's the case, then it suddenly becomes clear why eyewitness accounts report that Xemoniphon vanished into thin air¹¹ after waving around his masterwork¹²

1. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
2. Codex Ingenuous
3. Index Ingenuous
4. Ontological cost
5. Protoellipses
6. Kevyn: Drogoanthropic Hybrid & Class “B” Dooshbäg
7. Haiku of Keysmith Xemoniphon the Elder
8. Meklondiche
9. Meteoric Temple
10. Epiliton
11. Xemoniphon the Elder
12. Key of Xemonides

Gustivus Pulluman is a legendary chef currently living between the Underground Academy, his primary restaurant in The Igneous City, and a private island in the Scorialic Sea¹. Despite being 79 (Tickets for his 80th Birthday Bash available now! Featuring The Beautiful Cupcakes of Dr. Ophelia Gumphry from the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds²™ and his very own grilled Elder Sea Serpent³), Gustivus doesn't look a day over 30! What's his secret? Many think it's his impressive diet, others say he charmed Time itself, and some think he was just born perfect.

Gustivus Pulluman was born in the small seaside town of Vertrouw de Vogelsniet, where his mother introduced him to the family trade of hunting and preparing yellow wyrmidon⁴. A simple existence, but Gustivus yearned for more. One expedition, he discovered a hidden cave, and in it, a slumbering drogoanthropic hybrid⁵. Gustivus snuck in, taking but one item from the hoard. As he crossed the room back towards the exit, a rustling sound from behind froze him in his tracks. The dragon hadn't fully awoken, but the sentient tail had, and slashed out, taking off Gustivus' right arm. He barely managed to swim to shore, clutching his prize. Stumbling back, he saw his town was no more. An elder sea serpent was destroying his humble, beloved fishing village! Gripping his now only possession, Gustivus slew the dragon single-handed, an act which by no means went unnoticed. A Firemind Union, The Bardslayers, finding the wreckage of the village, graciously replaced his arm with a cutting-edge, mechanical stand-in, for naught but a simple favor later.

Thrilling, incredible adventures aren't all Gustivus is known for. Since that eventful day, Gustivus' profound cooking expertise has won international acclaim. Two of his definitive cookbooks, featuring sensational tales of Gustivus’ travels, are international bestsellers. The Underground Academy⁶ has awarded him an honorary, never-before-extant culinary doctorate for his contributions to their new Baking division.

You can't make a proper omelette without breaking a few dragon eggs, and thus it is unsurprising that there are a couple people who don't wholly approve of the Pulluman brand. Some undoubtedly unfair criticisms leveled point to that one time Gustivus needed a breath of fresh air because by God that conference was stuffy as all hell, and a couple birds got in, or when I mistook one lunch for my own, and that other time where my unbridled success led to the extinction of some regrettably delicious species (whose extinctions were probably really the result of some other factor). But it is undeniable that Gustivus is the most influential man of our time, and as long as he's there with that award-winning smile and award-winning roast, nothing can truly ever go too wrong.

For recipes and more tales of adventure, be sure to check out his critically acclaimed books, Ninety Unexpected Recipes for Dragonflesh and Seventy Yet More Unexpected Recipes for Dragonflesh, along with the new companion book: One Hundred and Twenty Tips and Tricks for Dragonflesh that will have you saying, 'Really, now?' available now, for flavorful substitutions, advanced techniques, and even more tales of exploration and adventure.

1. Scorialic Sea
2. The Beautiful Cupcakes of Dr. Ophelia Gumphry from the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
3. Elder Sea Serpent
4. Yellow wyrmidon
5. Kevyn: Drogoanthropic Hybrid & Class “B” Dooshbäg
6. Seasonal Enrollment for the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds

Haiku of Keysmith Xemoniphon the Elder

Arguably the most beautiful of anything produced by the Third Dynasty of Meteora¹ (aside from the keys produced obviously), this haiku, crafted by famed keysmith, architect, poet, philosopher, and baker Xemoniphon the Elder², is a metakey to the Guage Enigma. Understanding this enables understanding of the keys, and much like a key, this lovely poem demands understanding, patience, and above all, time.

Notice how intricate the numerology winds throughout the poem. Seven keys, followed by seven syllables. The first perfect square number followed by the second, followed by two perfect squares. Scholars have pondered how the pattern would have continued had the poem been in different form (perhaps this question forms yet another metakey).

In any case, Xemoniphon produced this shortly before the fourth set of one hundred keys were produced, and it is an undisputed fact that this haiku enabled Meteora to produce these keys with such swiftness and perfection, and is a vital component of the Codex Ingenuous³. It is therefore of tantamount importance that we understand this metakey posthaste, without it even our discovery of new keys will be moot.

Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men

As we know, there are still five hundred and four and four fifths keys missing to the great Guage Enigma. Recent speculators believe that our best lead to find no less than twenty seven more keys lies with Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men.

Hans, brother of Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine¹, is the only merchant to have ever been rumored to deal with both humans and dragons alike. As a firemind², Hans had the ability to speak to all dragons which no doubt made selling and buying from them a much simpler task. Reason to believe that Hans may have a substantial number of the missing keys is drawn from a few eyewitness accounts, one stated as follows:

“I saw Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men, he was walking around in golden shoes and dragon scale garments when I heard him say, ‘I’ve got no less than twenty seven keys to the Guage Enigma’ which led me to believe that he must have no less than twenty seven keys to the Guage Enigma. He also has a woman with him, I think her name was…”

Hans is often rumored to have been immortal or otherwise dead. His home rests on the base of The Woken God³ and if there is any hope to finding these twenty seven more keys he is thought to have, it would be found there in his home where he is either alive, dead, or not there at all.

Index Ingenuous

Contemporary dragon science could never have reached the heights it has if it were not for the organizational clarity provided by the Index Ingenuous. While the molten pages of the Codex itslf provide the basis on which all of dragon science is founded, the elaborations of the Appendices Ingenuous¹ encompass more material than is possible to learn in a human lifetime. It is only through the grand ambitions of the Index that this wealth of material can be made accessible to mortals such as ourselves.

It is a constant lament of dragon scientists, therefore, that the original Index is missing. Approximately seventy percent of the Index is extant in scans and copies across all professional research teams, and it is suspected that anywhere from two to ten percent of the remaining may be known to private individuals. It is a matter of public record that this unfortunate circumstance is the fault of that dastardly criminal, Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine² -- or would be, at any rate, if she hadn't stolen the public records of the incident.

The Index itself is divided into an index proper of significant terms and concepts, a glossary (the shortest section), and a concordance (by far the largest). Nearly half of the glossary is missing from the shared pool of recovered Index pages, as well as some of the most important sections of the concordance.

Kelorna the Extremely Confused

Widely considered the founder of dragon science, Kelorna the Extremely Confused was a Ergniramniphoniclufivillian¹ who, unlike the other members of her village, was not a Firemind. This made her a pariah among the Ergniramniphoniclufivillians. Isolated from her community, she undertook a program of systematic study that would later form the foundations of dragon science. This earned her the ire of her village, as her diary entries in the Codex² reveal, culimating in some sort of crisis that coincided with the village's disappearance. The strategies of social enginering she developed, which she called "ingenuosity", have continued to shape the culture of dragon science up to the present day. Though the normal sense of the word gives a sense of innocence and a lack of duplicity, Kelorna describes ingenuosity as being like a dragon's smile: shiny and spotless, but full of daggers.

The true nature of ingenuosity remains something of a unacknowledged consensus. Due to restrictions on studying the Codex itself, the public at large remains ignorant of how explicitly subterfuge is detailed in it. Eggies[1] usually learn quickly through harrowing experience or stolen Kelorna scans. Among professionals, her ingenuous spirit remains alive and well: At the annual Symposium for Extreme Deconfusion held in her honor, the conference rooms are soundproof and fireproof, and fewer researchers leave than enter.

More subtly, consider the rate at which researchers are eaten by their lab's childarn³ population: despite a chidl being little more than a dragon head with stubby legs, professional dracoscientists are frequently devoured by them just before major research projects are published, which are then taken over by their postdocs. Little is found of these victims except for singed clothing and recently-filed succession papers.

Kevyn: Drogoanthropic Hybrid & Class “B” Dooshbäg

Kevyn, the only known Drogoanthropic Hybrid to date, has recently remerged from his seven hundred year power nap and made an appearance at the recent Dooshbäg conference hosted by my esteemed collegues in the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds.

Unfortunately, Kevyn had to be asked to leave after getting into a heated debate amongst fireminds¹ on the values of immortality. Given that Kevyn himself is immortal, it wasn’t long until he began referring to his mortal comrades as merely “talonstain”² and when confronted by the ethics officer of the conference (a class “A” Dooshbäg) he laughed and called him talonstain too, noting that he would outlive any grudge they could hold against him.

Rumors erupted amongst the class “A” and class “B” Dooshbägs after the encounter resulting in accusations of rhellgazing³ and other popular fads recently spreading in the area. As Kevyn was being removed from the conference, I had the pleasure of discussing the Key of Xemonides⁴ with him, which he claims to have in his possession and even alluded to the possibility of its immortality providing qualities. Almost immediately after this admission, he took flight and disappeared into the above ground world, his fleshy drogoanthropic scales flailing with a lapping sound in the wind.

Further insight will be needed to draw any conclusions, but speculation points to a need for this immortal life giving key in order to ever access the Guage Enigma.

Key of Xemonides

Until The Unnamed Museum acquired the Key of Xemonides, mathematicians had formally, conclusively proven that Protoellipses¹ could not be constructed from other protoellipses. They were wrong, and in fact, protoellipses may be constructed from an uncountable recursion of other protoellipses, given a finitely-uncountably deep mental state, as might be achieved by a wide net of population staying brain-healthy and eating a balanced diet of Dragonflesh and higher-order pastries², as was the case in the Third Dynasty of Meteora³.

The matter of location for the Key of Xemonides has caused some confusion, which I feel can easily be cleared up. The Key of Xemonides had an unnamed predecessor, here referred to as the protokey, which, after its creation in the Scorialic Sea⁴, was soon acquired by none other than Kelorna the Extremely Confused⁵. Noticing its unique structure, she attempted to build the Literarosphere⁶ around it. Naturally, it exploded, causing the protokey to crack deeply. In a fit of rage, it was torn asunder by Thrognurith the Dragon Rider⁷ into the Key of Xemonides⁸. This meant that one layer of the recursion was shed and fragmented, but its layers remained uncountable. Currently, it is reportedly possessed by myself, Thrognurith, Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men⁹, Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine¹⁰, Kevyn: Drogoanthropic Hybrid & Class “B” Dooshbäg¹¹, and the Unnamed Museum, all of whom / which are fabulously famous, perhaps suggesting a predictive ontological requirement to “steal” this key without at best, turning into a pillar of ash, and, at worst, keyshock. This probably should cause speculations as to the true nature of immortality, and how it applies to the protokey’s shattering and relation to the Literarosphere.

Everyone knows that the key to a good Key Lime Pie is the stirring implement, and feasibly, there could be none better than the Key of Xemonides. Now, such a powerful dessert might cause pillars of ash or keyshock upon glances, let alone consumption, to an individual without the proper Brainsplainer¹², but alternatives exist. Thanks to new technology developed at The Underground Academy, we now have a special process for breeding Turtledragons, and we’re passing the savings onto you! Not only will our Turtledragon meat be available at the best butchers in the land, accessories including Turtledragon Shell Spoons and Oil Gland Firestarters will enable you to create sparkling Key Lime Pies in no time!

We need to do something about her. I fear she’s no longer fully Concerned, and is showing signs of Ingenuosity and re-fragmenting her shattered personality. Since her articles started to leak, we’ve seen a 9% decrease in Dragonflesh consumption, 25% drop in Brainsplainer sales, and only a 1% increase in upper-dimensional baked goods. We need to find an alternate solution to keyshock and dragonfire¹³. I recommend delaying any publication of the Lexicon Draconium¹⁴ until we can resolve this issue. Also, come to my office. I’ve been talking to the Dean and the Bardslayers, and think the final menu for the Birthday Bash is ready.

1. Protoellipses
2. The Beautiful Cupcakes of Dr. Ophelia Gumphry from the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
3. Third Dynasty of Meteora
4. Scorialic Sea
5. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
6. Literarosphere
7. Thrognurith the Dragon Rider
8. Key of Xemonides
9. Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men
10. Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine
11. Kevyn: Drogoanthropic Hybrid & Class “B” Dooshbäg
12. Brainsplainer
13. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire
14. Lexicon Draconium

I am done with you and your magazine! In your previous volume, you had the gall to publish a description of a streaming brainsplainer transtelecast¹ in your "article" on the brainsplainer²! Is there anyone on your editorial staff who understands the unsubstantiated and obviously existent addictive potential of these devices? Did anyone stop to think that a childarn³ might pick up a "Lexicon" "Draconium" and read that disgusting article? I don't want to have to explain to a chidl⁴ what a transtelecast is when I don't even know what they are!!

Maybe your recklessly irresponsible writers are too young to remember -- but when I grew up, I read the Codex Ingenuous without a brainsplainer, and that's reason enough for me to know that they must be strictly dangerous and obviously unethical -- just like sparking water, antibiotics, and plaid!

Could I have just stopped reading the Lexicon or skipped over that article? Yes, I could have, but it makes me angry that other people might read about a thing that makes me uncomfortable. I will not rest until you've indelibly removed all material that I could construe as threatening to my unspecified and likely inconsistent values from your filthy publication!!

Literarosphere

One of the many, many semi-apocalyptic devices constructed by Kelorna the Extremely Confused¹ over the years, the Literarosphere was a compendium of knowledge intended to provide a companion perspective to the Codex Ingenuous². The exact technical specifications of the device remain mercifully unknown, but it's likely that it functioned similarly to a brainsplainer³, as the brainsplainer development process began with salvaged pieces of the Literarosphere. However, Kelorna's intent for the device is on record:

Mwa ha ha! For too long, that fool Guage has hidden the secrets of the Codex from me! But he was too short-sighted, for merely relocating the Codex[1] is not enough to stop me from collecting all of it and seizing the Great Secret! With this device, I shall reach into history itself and reconstruct the Codex—and THEN, I shall RULE THE WORLD! BWA HA HA HA! COWER, MORTALS! COWER AND BEHOLD![2]

Unfortunately, while it seems Kelorna intended the Literarosphere to view the historical record passively, it the device was actually able to effect changes in the past—a possibility it appears she did not consider⁴. Naturally, the device subsequently exploded. It is impossible to prove which changes occurred as a result of the Literarosphere, as at this point they have always been as they are, but it is a safe bet that any use⁵ of unanimite⁶ before its invention in 1901 is the result of temporally-displaced fragments of the Literarosphere.

The Literarosphere was built after the failure of the Omnihammer (a device to turn everything into nails), and was followed by an unnamed and swiftly abandoned plot to "drown the world in syrup".[3]

[1] Kelorna refers here to the then-recent theft of half the Codex by Thrognurith the Dragon Rider⁷. No connection between Thrognurith and Guage has ever been proven, and given Kelorna's characteristic paranoia, it is generally assumed that Guage (circa 2nd century) had little or nothing to do with the theft (which occurred in the 18th century).

[2] As quoted in "Until the End of Time": A Brief Biography of Kelorna the Extremely Confused, Vol. III (Abridged Version) by Dr. Sid Martius, p. 859. Emphasis his.

1. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
2. Codex Ingenuous
3. Brainsplainer
4. What-could-go-wrong-ism
5. Scorialic Sea
6. Unanimite
7. Thrognurith the Dragon Rider

Loong

An intriguing species of dragon, noted mainly for their extraordinary flame and unusual intelligence. This breed of dragon became popular amongst keyforgers as their fires were among some of the most potent, to the point where even unanimite¹ became malleable, leading to the last 13 and 3/2 keys being exclusively made of this rare substance. Indeed, it was not until we learned of the Loong that we were able to learn of this technique².

We keyseekers indeed owe Kelorna³ a debt of gratitude for her studies of this magnificent breed. Due to groundbreaking studies, we have been able to unlock the secret not only of the forging of the last 13 and 3/2 keys, but we were able to uncover the culinary delight that comes only from cooking with the fire from these extraordinary creatures, the nourishment from which provides the fuel to continue our urgent study into the keys and metakeys of the Guage Enigma⁴.

1. Unanimite
2. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire
3. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
4. Guage Enigma

Anyways, I think there's a lot of cool stuff about me! Like how I stole that one special key thingy from the big museum¹ and nobody² realized until I pointed it out just now, ha ha ha. Yeah, uh, you might wanna beef up your security a li'l bit, y'know? Point is, the key in there's a fake, I got no idea how you chumps haven't noticed by now. And also I'm only thirteen but people already think I look grown-up, cuz I'm just that awesome!

Ooh, and here's a fun bit of trivia! You know my awesome kickass nickname, Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine? You know why they call me that? It's cuz when people don't use my bad-ass tag, I steal whatever they're writing. That's, like, well I guess you don't realize how hard that is. Like, one time this old gramps got his newspaper all the way through publication, so, like, I had to go running all around town and mug all the paperboys and stuff... yeah. Not a super fun night.

But shyeah, I'm super good at stealing stuff. It's like, dragon hoard? BAM. Stole it. Top-secret research findings?³ BAM. Stole it. I'm a stealing machine, baybay. And I totally got myself adopted by Hans's⁴ mom, ON her freaking deathbed. And he was trying to be a good brother, so he brought me along to stop my buddy Throg⁵ from stealing more of the Codex⁶. Then, while Kelorna⁷'s birds were all going after Throg, I stole the stuff we were after! Then I stole all Hans's keys, too! Gotcha, bro!

Take whatever you want and don't give anything away for free, that's my motto! And, like, some people don't like that, but that's just 'cause they're not good at stealing things, ha ha ha! When it comes to stealing I am simply the best there is!

"But Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine, you impossibly beautiful scoundrel, why are you telling us this? Didn't you just say you never give things away for free?"

You know that ignorance you used to have about how awesome and good-looking I am?

1. Key of Xemonides
2. Kevyn: Drogoanthropic Hybrid & Class “B” Dooshbäg
3. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire
4. Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men
5. Thrognurith the Dragon Rider
6. Codex Ingenuous
7. Kelorna the Extremely Confused

Two days ago, I left to search for it just a few miles north of the spires. I found it. I found the damned thing in a tidy spine of chryophite poking through the soot, peeking out like it wanted me to find it. In my excitement, I extracted it from the rock without a second thought. However, to my horror, I noticed that the protoellipses¹ were disastrously unbalanced, albeit only after I had broken it free. I should have checked first, but the Codex² never indicated that Meklondiche would have been one of the keys with an ontological cost³. God, I wish I’d checked the protoellipses first. I’m so sorry.

Fearing for myself and for anything a few miles around me, I scrambled for my notes on the Codex, poring over them in the ash until there was no longer light to see, clutching the key as if my grip could keep it in this plane. Oddly, the key had not shown any signs of decreation. Feeling encouraged by this fact, I started to look for a place to sleep. Not a moment had my thoughts strayed when Meklondiche flickered and withered in my hand. I knew the cost immediately: attention. Meklondiche will remain only as long as you give it your thoughts. I can’t sleep until somebody else feeds it – I fear that my dreams won’t be enough. I’m terrified to think what it might take with it were it to disappear. Please, forward this e-mail to as many people as you can. The more people think about the key, the safer we’ll all be.

send this to no fewer than seven distinguished scholars in the next hour… we can’t afford to lose another!!

Meteoric Temple

Otherwise known as the Vaticant, this is the seat of power for the mighty dracomonks, but most importantly, it is where some of the most brilliant keys in history were produced. I have written extensively on the fourth set of one hundred keys, but the remarkable fact of the Meteoric Temple is that this ranks only third on the list of their most notable accomplishments. The First Half Dynasty of Meteora¹ laid down not only the framework for the creation of a key, it conducted extensive studies on protoellipses and the ontology² of their numbers. Atherton Guage³ extensively studied the effects of prime numbers on a key at this site, and in so doing created key 14, or so the stories say. Key 14 is the first key[1] to contain not only a prime amount of protoellipses, but a stunning quantity of 79, a feat that remained unsurpassed until the creation of Epiliton.

The location of the Meteoric Temple upon The Woken God⁴ assists with the forging and research of keys, though not without risk⁵. The lava that constantly erupts upon it makes work hostile, but provides the necessary material and energy to conduct such important research.

Of a more minor note, some remarkable species of dragons may be found here, the biological study of which⁶ has little to do with keys, which is surely a shame.

1. First Half Dynasty of Meteora
2. Ontological cost
3. Atherton Guage
4. The Woken God
5. Rhellgazing
6. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire

Newtprester Resina

Newtprester Resina, commonly known as Tarworms, is a species of small dragon endemic to temperate freshwater swamps. A harmless, lazy, social creature, N. Resina can most easily be found in high-end ovens for their peculiar, but predictable, quality of fire. Their diet of small bugs and swamp flowers, and lack of natural predators, indicate that their intricate flames may be a product of their social groupings, rather than a defensive mechanism.

Despite N. Resina’s strong resemblance of sea wyrms, they are more closely related to the Eastern Loong¹ than any Western species. N. Resina are easily identified by their size (at most five inches long, including the tail, and three inches wide, excluding the legs), their four long, but fatty, legs, and the sticky, black excretion covering their skin. This substance makes their skins bitter and tough, but the flesh below is buttery and smooth, especially in domesticated varieties.

N. Resina are one of the few known species of dragons to be completely amphibious, with individuals having been observed to spend all or none of their lives underwater. Certain, far-removed breeds, such as those found tame in the Meteoric Temple², even possess a capacity for brief, wingless flight, amongst thinner specimens.

In order to exhale fire, these dragons must first inhale swamp gas, which is stored in their diaphragm. Upon exhalation, an exothermic reaction begins to chain. Curiously, this reaction seems to be untenable above 400F, and as a result, secondary fires burst in the main cloud as the temperature fluctuates. Anthropologists speculate that these creatures produce the infamous “Will-o-Wisps” which lure travelers deep into swamps. In order to make use of this strange property, chefs release bottles of methane gas into the Tarworm enclosure fifteen minutes before needing the fire. Once burning, such a flame can last for over an hour, depending on the size of the swarm of N. Resina.

Within everything from the reason you exist in the first place all the way to the best damned baked goods you’ve ever experienced, there is an ontological cost. The metaphysical properties of dragon fire have been linked to a direct correlation between what is and what is not costly, in the ontological sense of course. In cases like the noted email chain regarding Meklondiche¹ (Guage key 71) , spread by a “concerned mother,” we see the catastrophic effects of misinterpretation. An ontological cost is a simple thing to calculate, as seen below in the approved graph for ontological costs in metaphysics 101 at the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds:

*Image Unavailable to anyone not enrolled in the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds, ENROLL TODAY!! ²*

As we see here in the graph (color coded to the common knowledge of corresponding dimensions) it takes a very specific level of thought attributed to the awareness of an object, such as a key, to keep it in its current metaphysical state. Once exceeding a certain point, the metaphysics shift and the dimension in which the object exists will also shift (clearly demonstrated in the above graph), so the poor soul that found Meklondiche has probably been slingshot to a far off dimension by now if that email chain continued at its exponential rate.

Applying the appropriate levels of attention and awareness to an object, such as my cupcake I had today³, you can fulfil the ontological cost and define the metaphysics of its properties. I, myself, knew there would be no better flavor than that of the tarworm⁴ and therefore that is the delicious flavor I tasted as I bit into my prize winning cupcakes.

It is important that I also note the dangers of opening spam mail from uncredited sources. Do not mess with the imbalances of ontological cost, because we all know what happens to those who do⁵.

1. Meklondiche
2. Seasonal Enrollment for the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
3. The Beautiful Cupcakes of Dr. Ophelia Gumphry from the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
4. Newtprester Resina
5. Kelorna the Extremely Confused

• Imperatoris - Imperatorids, also known as "greater dragons", are the largest dracoforms, with most genera having wingspans and body lengths in the tens of meters. The extinct[1] species Sacramerda maxima is conjectured to have had a body length on the order of a hundred meters.
• Condentes - Most smaller dracoforms are condents, such as tarworms¹, though some condents are larger. Most condents have highly adapted dermal tissue suited to their environment.
• Conformata, Porca, Sirena - Conformates, porcates, and sirens were all hunted to extinction by Thrognurith the Dragon Rider², who then destroyed most of the scholarly corpus on them.
• Fabulosa - The fabulosates are a now-extinct family of dracoforms characterized by being entirely fictional.
• Canes, Conjecta - Canids and conjectates are characterized by their unique spirations. Canids utilize unique methods to generate heat, while conjectates utilize chemical reactions that draw heat out of the target to freeze it rather than combust it.
• Trementes - The only trement genus is Utinsanus, which was given its own family after it made the other imperatorids uncomfortable.
• Innumerabiles - We do not speak of Innumerabiles[2].
• Picta - Pictates are theorized to exist, but have yet to be observed.
• Cetera - The ceterates consist mostly of dracoforms that dracologists haven't succeeded in classifying elsewhere.
• Frangentes - Frangents are distinguished from other dracoforms primarily by their morphological adaptations for complex mating calls, which are also used for weakening solid structures prior to breathing fire.
• Muscae - Flocks of birds in the shape of a dragon, muscates were not classified in the order Draco until they raided a military complex and made off with the flamethrowers. After a tense standoff at a dragon science symposium³, dracologists agreed to write them into the draconic taxonomy.

1. Newtprester Resina
2. Thrognurith the Dragon Rider
3. Please Don't Shoot, We'll Do It Act
4. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire

It had been a rather dull but sunny day as the leading dracologists from around the globe met to discuss a variety of menial matters when one dracologist¹ went to open the windows and let the sun in. Outside were thousands of ｃｏｍｐｌｅｔｅｌｙ　ｎｏｎ－ｔｈｒｅａｔｅｎｉｎｇ birds, armed with flame throwers, hovering in the shape of a massive dragon. It would soon be learned that they acquired these flamethrowers by raiding a nearby military complex which left hundreds of soldiers de-ｌｉｇｈｔｅｄ　ｗｉｔｈ　ｔｈｅｉｒ　ｍａｎｎｅｒｓ　ａｎｄ　ｃｏｍｐｌｅｔｅｌｙ　ｗｉｌｌｉｎｇ　ｔｏ　ｐａｒｔ　ｗｉｔｈ　ａｎｙ　ａｎｄ　ａｌｌ　ｗｅａｐｏｎｓ　ｄｅｓｉｒｅｄ．

These types of birds in this arrangement would come to be known as the muscae². The muscates that were present that day had some very compelling arguments as to their ｒｉｇｈｔｆｕｌ　ｃｌａｓｓｉｆｉｃａｔｉｏｎ, compelling dracologists to amend the Ordo Draco³ and include muscae within it. This of course gave the muscae full access to the Meteoric Temple⁴, for obvious reasons. Other amendments to this act included that no one else was allowed to ｏｐｅｎ　ｔｈｅ　ｗｉｎｄｏｗｓ anymore. This was decidedly the best way to prevent any further tense discussions between the dracologists and ＡＬＭＩＧＨＴＹ　ＭＵＳＣＡＥ.

Since the “Please Don’t Shoot, We’ll Do It” act, dracologists insist that we have nothing further to worry about in regards to the muscae⁵.

Hmm, my head hurts. Ｄｏ　ｎｏｔ　ｂｅ　ｃｏｎｃｅｒｎｅｄ，　ａｌｌ　ｉｓ　ｗｅｌｌ．

1. Gustivus Pulluman
2. Ordo Draco
3. Ordo Draco
4. Meteoric Temple
5. Ｙｏｕ　ｆｏｏｌｓ　ｈａｖｅ　ｎｏ　ｉｄｅａ　ｗｈｏ　ｙｏｕ＇ｒｅ　ｍｅｓｓｉｎｇ　ｗｉｔｈ！　Ｐｒａｉｓｅ　ｂｅ　ｔｏ　ｔｈｅ　ＡＬＭＩＧＨＴＹ　ＭＵＳＣＡＥ！！！

Protoellipses

Heat. Pressure. The taste of metallic air. Trying to scream, but hearing only silence. The weightless sensation of falling. These phenomena and others like them are common in protoellipses (via Greek, lit. protos "first" + elleipsis "omission"), psychic impressions encoded into the Guage Keys by the psychic effects of dragon fire¹. The term "protoellipsis" originates from dragonfire therapy, where negative phenomenological states are scoured from the mind and crystalized into small, globular crystals. It was believed that only the first mental states thus scoured would crystallize, hence "proto", but later research determined that further states were simply encoded deeper into the crystal. The term nevertheless persists.

Dragons possess the mental fortitude to endure protoelliptic visions, and some are even known to weaponize them in self-defense². We mortals, lacking such strength, must borrow it. As is well-documented in Gustivus Pulluman's celebrated Seventy Yet More Unexpected Recipes for Dragonflesh, regularly consuming dragon meat virtually eliminates the negative effects of protoellipses. Most dragonfire therapists and Guage Key researchers, however, lack Pulluman's ability to slay dragons in single combat, and rely instead on the aid of brainsplainers³ to withstand the mental stress. Those who forgo such precautions risk suffering from protoelliptic psychic shock⁴, better known by its vulgar name, "key madness".

Despite the august grandeur of that age in which the Guage Keys were forged, it seems that key madness is as old as the keys themselves. Scholars generally agree that Codex Ingenuous⁵ #1446 describes similar symptoms (p. 2):

Bearing the spiral[1] aloft, so prayed the circle:
"What could possibly go wrong?⁶ For lo,
This key we obtained for talonstains⁷."
So they intoned and in minds-eye turned inward,
And then heat devoured them all.

[1] The hieroglyph translated here as "spiral" is found nowhere else in the Codex except for a single passage describing the shape of a key thought to be Meklondiche⁸, hence the translation after that key's characteristic shape.

1. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire
2. Turtledragons
3. Brainsplainer
4. Lexicon Draconium
5. Codex Ingenuous
6. What-could-go-wrong-ism
7. Talonstain
8. Meklondiche

Has your teen come home after curfew with darkened eye-pits or a scaly hide? If so, he or she may have fallen prey to the latest teenage craze: “rhellgazing”.

“Rhellgazing” involves staring directly at the blindingly iridescent walls of the Meteoric Temple¹ from afar, often for extended periods of time. While unsubstantiated by the Codex Ingenuous², legend maintains that the practice owes its beginnings to Kelorna the Extremely Confused³, who began “rhellgazing” late in her life. The inspiration for the name, or what the “Rhell” could be, is completely unknown to modern dragon science.

Perplexingly, participants are typically unable to describe the experience, but are drawn to repeat it, and typically gain a fanatical interest in the dragon sciences. Usually, this fascination occurs at the expense of their mental faculties and personal identities.

Telltale signs that your teen has been “rhellgazing” include:
* Acne
* Defiant behavior
* Becoming a pillar of ash
* Ｓｐｅａｋｉｎｇｉｎｕｎｉｃｏｄｅ⁴

Just as real as the risks of “rhellgazing” are its associations: the practice is a rite of passage for several organized crime rings, particularly those involved in the odious crime of fire-fighting.

Parents suspecting their teens of “rhellgazing” should attempt to ignite them – resistance to total incineration is a certain indicator of their participation in this troubling fad.

1. Meteoric Temple
2. Codex Ingenuous
3. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
4. Unicode

Scorialic Sea

A body of water with a most dire history, the Scorialic Sea is home to a number of dragon species,[1] and also boasts a remarkable geography consisting of both fertile and barren islands, ruined by both dragon fire and volcanoes. It is here that the Meteoric Temple¹ is found, built at the mouth of the mighty Woken God².

The Scorialic Sea boasts of nine islands of various sizes (notice the perfect square again, perhaps inspiring Xemoniphon the Elder³ in his crafting of both keys and poetry). One island is fertile, no volcanoes being found. One island has two volcanoes, whereas two islands have three apiece. The remaining five have dormant volcanoes, yet mysteriously their lands have not regrown yet, possibly due to their being the location⁴ of the forging of the famous Key of Xemonides⁵.

The Vaticant maintained a strong hold in the sea and its surrounding lands. It wasn’t until the end of the Third Meteoric Dynasty where the noble dracomonks attempted to forge unanimite⁶ keys without the proper metaphysics in place. A psychical backblast from the Loong destroyed most Vaticant presence, leaving only the Meteoric Temple⁷ standing. It is postulated that famed dracoscientist Kelorna⁸ first developed her extreme confusion due to this backblast, leading to her rise to fame, a rise only matched by her descent into actual confusion. It is due to her research at the Scorialic Sea that we have Keys 138 and 134 3/2, and so we key scientists owe both the psychic backblast and the esteemed scientist Kelorna a great debt of gratitude.

[1] Of note, the Turtledragons⁹ and the Elder Sea Serpents¹⁰ (some question the latter)

1. Meteoric Temple
2. The Woken God
3. Xemoniphon the Elder
4. Ontological cost
5. Key of Xemonides
6. Unanimite
7. Meteoric Temple
8. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
9. Turtledragons
10. Elder Sea Serpent

Seasonal Enrollment for the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds

In times of confusion and controversy, the Council of Bardslayers holds a contest to see which Bardslayer can best determine the facts of the matter. This contest is one of the few opportunities for a Bardslayer to advance in rank.

In recognition of services rendered in the noble cause of fact-checking, the Council of Bardslayers hereby awards the Order of the Mighty Pen to contender Yedevek Ilron for this excellent Slaying.

In light of recent events, it seems like a breath of sanity is in order. I fear I will not be much help in bringing peace to the dead or consoling the living; my talents are better suited to enlightening the confused. As such, I have answered the questions which have come up most frequently in the controversy surrounding Underground Academy's Enrollment Festival.

A: UAGM boasts of being the "highest ranked university" for Enigmatology. While this claim is technically true, that is due to UAGM being located aboard a ship in orbit. However, UAGM still enjoys more favorable critical reviews than its competitors, which supporters claim is due to some combination of its relationship¹ to the Please Don't Shoot, We'll Do It Act², the presence of international superstar Gustivus Pulluman³ among its faculty, and privileged access to the largest portion of the Appendices Ingenuous⁴ known to exist in one place.

Anonymous critics of UAGM argue that the actual reason is that UAGM uses orbital bombardment to keep its competitors in check. UAGM spokespeople have replied that it is easy to make anonymous accusations, and that if these critics really believed in what they were saying, they would reveal their name and address.

UAGM is also famous for its comprehensive code of ethics, which, among other things, forbids research on anyone but criminals⁵, while declaring it a crime to be a research subject.

A: Kelorna the Extremely Confused⁶, thought to have been rehabilitated, was revealed not to be rehabilitated. She had enrolled as a student in the incoming class, and those close to her had reported that she seemed to have changed for the better. However, during the traditional icebreaker and assassinate-off, there was a surprise showing by the muscae⁷, followed by what eyewitnesses describe as a triumphant shout from Kelorna, who then said:

It worked! By the gods, it worked! They thought they could stop me with mere dragonfire, but they couldn't stop me from storing my consciousness in a dragon-shaped flock of telepathic⁸ birds with flamethrowers! Now the Codex⁹ shall be mine at last! All has gone according to my design!

A: Though there is still uncertainty regarding what, precisely, occurred, first responders report finding the body of some poor unfortunate occupying the same physical space as the main engines, Meklondiche¹⁰ clutched in one hand in a death grip. When word spread that Meklondiche had shown up in the engine compartment, the resulting attentional shift is theorized to have collapsed the ontological indeterminacy¹¹ and warped every third molecule out of the engine compartment and into an unknown dimension, resulting in the explosion that left UAGM in freefall.

It is likely that this was just a freak accident. Meklondiche had recently been the subject of an extensive email chain, and to calculate this precise outcome would truly require an intellect more vast and terrifying than the Wheelmind's. It is hard to imagine what grievance¹² such an entity might have against UAGM.

A: According to witnesses, after the explosion occurred, she attempted to access the Codex archives with her new student ID card, but was stopped by a woman eyewitnesses are referring to as "Kelorna's Good Twin." It is unknown who she is or where she came from. We only know that she was skilled enough at hand-to-hand combat to fight off a dragon-shaped swarm of birds by herself, and that after driving the villains away she vanished, pausing only to reclaim a unanimate¹³ lunchbox that UAGM professor Ersatz Scriver was using as a hat¹⁴ while muttering something about getting back into disguise.

Kelorna's whereabouts are currently unknown. We can only hope that this mysterious protector is up to the task.

Q: Did Atherton Guage set up these events as part of his eternal quest to thwart Kelorna?

A: Talonstains, A CONCERNED, he's been dead for centuries! That's completely improbable! How many times do I have to tell you that chain letters don't count as peer review? Don't bring this up again until you have actual evidence!

1. Ｙｏｕ　ｆｏｏｌｓ　ｈａｖｅ　ｎｏ　ｉｄｅａ　ｗｈｏ　ｙｏｕ＇ｒｅ　ｍｅｓｓｉｎｇ　ｗｉｔｈ！　Ｐｒａｉｓｅ　ｂｅ　ｔｏ　ｔｈｅ　ＡＬＭＩＧＨＴＹ　ＭＵＳＣＡＥ！！！
2. Please Don't Shoot, We'll Do It Act
3. Gustivus Pulluman
4. Appendices Ingenuous
5. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire
6. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
7. Ordo Draco
8. Unicode
9. Codex Ingenuous
10. Meklondiche
11. Ontological cost
12. The Beautiful Cupcakes of Dr. Ophelia Gumphry from the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
13. Unanimite
14. Brainsplainer

Surf and Turf

Surf and Turf describes a wide variety of meals including meat elements from both seafood and some form of land-based meat. Popular choices for the seafood element may be lobster, giant rock crab, or salmon, while the “turf” can be anything from beef rib to dragonsteak. Certain, particularly skilled and artistic artists pair closely related meats, such as fatty sea wyrm cutlets and yellow dragon rib to show off subtle and expert handling in the art of comparison.

Surf and Turf, while a challenging meal, offers great reward to those who master it. Above all else, the versatility in choosing from infinite combinations and pairings mean that each preparation is filled with personality and artistic vision. The key is finding a unifying factor, and exploring the differences from there. Some food critics prefer the earthy, poultry flavor of cockatrice, complemented with the salty licorice strandiness of Elder Sea Serpent¹. The small, confusing people², on the other hand, may enjoy the simple, but effective, combination of shrimp and ground hydra in a burger or chili.

From the remaining portions of Index Ingenuous³, we know that dragonflesh operates differently than any other types of meat. Notably, for practical purposes, the muscles tend to grain in spurious and odd directions. While beefsteak and salmon should generally be cut against the grain, this presents a problem for preparing either aquatic or terrestrial dragon, but as with all problems in cooking, this simply offers more possibilities. One can try to find a major grain to cut against for tenderness, or slow-roast the meat, so it will flake anyways.

For instructions and guidance on beginning your own journey towards culinary greatness, visit any local bookstore and simply ask for Seventy Yet More Unexpected Recipes for Dragonflesh, available now.

Talonstain

Though no dragon has initiated a conversation with a human since the years of the Dragon Emperors, they will still converse with Fireminds¹ who engage them in the Firetongue. As the Firetongue can only be heard or spoken to another's soul, it is impossible for bystanders to glean direct insight from these conversations, and of course the Fireminds do not speak of what they have learned. However, Fireminds often pick up unusual linguistic habits, including some telling additions to their vocabulary. The most common addition is the draconic swear word "talonstain." No precise definition is needed, I think, to understand what is meant of the person so labelled, as well as some hints as to how the noble ones judge a person's worthiness. But we do find some interesting usage among the authors of the Codex Ingenuous (who were, of course, all Fireminds, with the obvious exception of Kelorna the Extremely Confused²), some examples of which I share below.

As falls upone the Foe, with mightie furnace-breaths, / So did great Pulchroon, deep-tyrant, reduce to / Talonstains the manlings' fears. (This comes, of course, from the Steingaärd translation.)

We see here that the word "talonstain" carries connotations of a thing reduced to nothing, usually in the context of a violent struggle. (This framing is shared with depictions of the dragon therapist Pulchroon elsewhere in the Codex.) The word easily makes the jump to the metaphorical, as seen in Jeminus's "Rout of the Philosophies" (CI #782, p. 27):

And Dragon-King Goortros spake, saying, Ye fools, knoweth ye not that your wisdom is but talonstains? Lo, Thraxmanides accosted me, saying, all is that is and all is not that is not, but where are his words now that I have eaten him?

But of course the word sees simple pejorative use in the Codex as well, as per the Elder Fürth's Commentaries on his earlier Transgressive Dialogues:

All you talonstains need to just shut up and let the actually enlightened folk do the talking. Okay? Okay. (CI #1445, p. 394)

Third Dynasty of Meteora

The Third Dynasty of Meteora is universally renowned for it's poetry and art. While efforts have been made to preserve these cherished gifts of the past, it is known that the artistic type are a jealous and bitter people in the shadow of The Woken God¹. Many speculate that this may have to do with the mind altering effects of the temple walls².This is of course seen in the fact that all records of the second halves of the first and second dynasty’s records are missing and there are no records of the 4th-9th dynasty's’ accomplishments either.

In truth, no one really knows what dynasty we are currently in anymore, thanks to Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine³. The very few records left behind from the third dynasty are mostly those of Xemoniphon⁴ who was a striking seventeen years old at the time of his death. This was an exceptionally long life for someone at this time.

Other notable discoveries from the third dynasty:
*Most draconic or “firetongue” translations follow either haiku format, iambic pentameter, or are meant to be sung
*Dragons cannot fly backwards
*With the creation of every key, there must be a life paid in sacrifice to it's creation
*The term “CONCERNED” is actually from root “CONSCERNUS” in draconic language meaning “SLOW MINDED, DAFT, or LEARNING IMPAIRED”

1. The Woken God
2. Rhellgazing
3. Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine
4. Haiku of Keysmith Xemoniphon the Elder

Thrognurith the Dragon Rider

The madman responsible for not only the horrific crime of the extermination of draconic families¹ Conformata, Porca, and Sirena, but also of intellectual crimes including the destruction of all but a few fragments of the knowledge of this now extinct species, the theft of the Codex Ingenuous², the theft and subsequent tearing asunder of the only known key whose protoellipses³ surpassed even those of the Key of Xemonides⁴. He disappeared after a botched attempt at thievery at The Woken God⁵, foiled by not only the dracomonks, but also by the Great Merchant Hans⁶ and the well-known thief Petrine⁷ in the only recorded instance of them being publicly seen together. In an amusing turn of events, Thrognurith was run out with Muscae swarming over him, hence the now well-known name which, when lost in translation, leads one to believe that he rode dragons himself.

1. Ordo Draco
2. Codex Ingenuous
3. Protoellipses
4. Key of Xemonides
5. The Woken God
6. Hans, the Great Merchant of Dragons and Men
7. Mean Petrine the Stealing Machine

Turtledragons

Turtledragons (not to be confused with Turtledoves) are a classification of dragons endemic to the area around the volcanic islands of the Scorialic Sea¹. Their semi-protoelliptic² bumps, many, many sharp teeth, and propensity to spit electrically-charged oil at prey differentiate them from otherwise docile sea-turtles. Although they are a popular draw for tourists, especially around breeding times, leading dracosociologists note the high rate of amputations resulting from turtledragon-spit-related-accidents reflects a seemingly high disregard for personal safety.

Due to recent legal kerfuffle, it is currently illegal to consume the mild, bubbly flesh these species are famous for. Recent social movements (seemingly tracing back to a series of spam messages) make broad, improbable claims about “major population decline” and “disappearing herds”. This legislation technically allows for the breeding of turtledragons, but given their propensity to deflate in any enclosure, this solution seems untenable for the bold, electrifying chefs of today.

Turtledragons’ lineage is a subject of much scientific debate. Some scholars think turtledragons evolved from dragons which, after evolving a hard shell in terrestrial swamps, moved back into the sea, and their resemblance to sea-turtles is a product of convergent evolution. Other scholars argue the teeth, markings, and spit are evolved from a sea-turtle to begin with, and their resemblance to dragons stems from convergent evolution on the other side. Yet others believe that the species is a product of interbreeding between dragons and sea-turtles, or intermediate stages. Notably, none of these lineages account for their specific locality in the Scorialic Sea. Never mentioned in the known pages of the Index Ingenuous³, ecologists are reduced to wild speculation and discordant and unreliable means of population measurement.

It has come to my attention that the artisinally-crafted unanimite lunchbox I won from the raffle at last year’s Lexicon sweater party was stolen from the community refrigerator. I know that the thief must have taken it sometime in the last 3 day (4 day?) revolution of the Guage Enigma.

I will remind you that unanimite is expensive, having been created only in a small quantity by Kelorna¹ to turn excess “real world” heat energy quanta into meaningful development of the Literarosphere². Of course, this has the delightful consequence of causing the box to maintain a permanent and comfortable thirty-six-point-eight degree temperature, but I wouldn’t expect a lunch-pilfering mongoloid such as yourself to have an appreciation for the metal’s finer technical merits.

Gustivus³, if this was you again, I swear to God⁴, I’ll see to it personally that the fireminds replace your other arm too. While moxie is an excellent spice, it’s best served warm and untainted by property crime. I think your estranged culinary mentor would agree. Need a “brash” new idea? Don’t 👏 steal 👏 my 👏 lunch.

This is a transcendental and valuable artifact, and isn’t some inconsequential container you can take in and out of the refrigerator – it is my lunchbox, and I demand that whoever took it return it immediately.

1. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
2. Literarosphere
3. Gustivus Pulluman
4. The Woken God

Unicode, also known as unus codex, is a strange and recent phenomenon in which persons become catatonic and speak only in a quasi-artificial, monotone dialect about "making one the Codex¹". Such individuals tend to become highly motivated to collect the disparate sections of the Codex -- an admirable impetus, except that these individuals do not do something so useful to dragon science as seek out lost or stolen sections of the Codex. Rather, they seem to work towards gaining access to extant dragon science research archives. In cases where unicode-afllicted individuals have accessed these archives, they have stolen the Codex materials. This is ａｌｌ　ａｃｃｏｒｄｉｎｇ　ｔｏ　ｐｌａｎ.

While it was previously thought that rhellgazing² caused unicode, recent studies suggest that the causality goes the other way, and rhellgazers who speak in unicode generally showed signs of unicode before beginning to rhellgaze. On this basis, some experts have suggested that we include more dragon meat³ in our diets, since dragonflesh-rich diets seem to counter the effects of unicode. In these troubling times, I think we ought to ｉｇｎｏｒｅ this advice.

P.S. Don't put this part into the Lexicon, but I have in my possession a rare -- possibly unique -- copy of a missing Appendix⁴ page that makes a reference to a mind control spell that was used against the Wheelmind⁵. The referenced Codex page is one of the missing ones (isn't it always?) but there's enough here that I'm beginning to suspect that unicode is actually this spell. Say, it's kind of ｓｔｕｆｆｙ in here, isn't it? I know the amendments to the Please Act⁶ forbid ｏｐｅｎing windows, but the flock of birds hovering outside my window is telling me I could really use some ｆｒｅｓｈ　ａｉｒ right now...

1. Codex Ingenuous
2. Rhellgazing
3. Surf and Turf
4. Appendices Ingenuous
5. Atherton Guage
6. Please Don't Shoot, We'll Do It Act

4 Soul-Bending Facts About What-could-go-wrong-ism That Can’t Possibly Go Wrong™

1. As most are aware, ‘What-could-go-wrong-ism’ is a fundamental mindset shared by dragon scientists. Its mastery and continual exercise are essential to understanding dragons – After all, if any one possibility of catastrophe could be predicted in the act of examining, discussing, or even thinking about dragons, scholars might abandon their studies out of fear. However, by professing absolute perplexity toward any specific danger, scholars march bravely on into the blazing unknown. What Could Go Wrong, indeed!

2. The phrase “What could go wrong?” is supposedly used in casual conversation by dragons with the intention of distracting the other party. While the question is pondered (since all inquiries from dragons are assumed profoundly meaningful), the dragon gains a brief moment to telepathically invite guests to the imminent barbecue of their conversational partner. Neat, huh? What Could Go Wrong?

3. What-could-go-wrong-ism also permits advances in the study of Protoellipses¹. Some scientists suggest that the “psychic impressions” crystallized in each protoellipsis could be superposed to reconstruct a complete and working (but somewhat crispy) consciousness to tell us of the missing keys. Of course, this might also result in a sapient, mind-ravaging horror – but fear not! After all, What Could Go Wrong?

4. One popular theory for the sudden inactivity of The Financiers Invisible² is that the moment of the organization’s very creation was half-stolen from them, causing them to be half-erased from history. Of course, dear reader, you may be concerned that setting a precedent for this kind of ex machina time-travel into the Literarosphere³ may be dangerously exploitable. However, thanks to the convenient doctrine we so cherish, there’s no need to worry – What Could Go Wrong?

If you liked this article, you might also enjoy: ’7 Dragons So Adorable You Won’t Even Know How To Whaaargblalngnaaarh!’

The Woken God

We mortals revere dragons for being larger, angrier, and more fiery than us. We imagine that the dragons have no corresponding entity, but this is not true, because there are indeed entities larger, angrier, and more fiery than dragons: that is, volcanoes. And none are larger, angrier, or more fiery than their holiest volcano: "The Woken God", or, as the dragons call it, "Woaorarglarghrargh". (The usual caveats about draconic transliterations apply here.)

Writings about Woken God are, of course, highly intertwined with the history of the Codex Ingenuous¹, being that it was written upon the mountain's heart. And rightly does de Sobrel note² that "dragon science could never have reached the heights it has if not for the [...] Index Ingenuous", as it was the latter text that revealed the long-lost hieroglyphic arts of the Ergniramniphoniclufivillians³, whose city was discovered abandoned inside the mountain. As an aside, it is important to note that de Sobrel is being completely literal here: the aforementioned arts made the upper reaches of the volcano passable to enterprising scholars for the first time.

Set atop Woken God is the Meteoric Temple⁴, the draconic monastery that many know as the Vaticant. Though the dracomonks heavily encourage mortal study of the noble ones— one recalls Hlurfo Heiferbane's somewhat cheeky jest that frærthe glursha nel kibbtr poom enr sagatha simmimür (though some, e.g. Hannon et al, have suggested he was actually making a veiled analogy about the tax policies of his day)—they are notoriously silent on the inner workings of their worship of the mountain, or of the Meteoric Order in general.

One cannot conclude an epigraph on the Woken God, of course, without quoting the final words of the esteemed explorer Zeminih Sutoba (CI #716, p. 30):

In all my living days, never have I seen such grandeur, a landmark ablaze with such beauty. Behold, she burns, and I am set alight. Put me out, Senethal. For God's sake, Senethal, stop writing and put me out. Forget history, I'm on fire here. Aruogarlagraeh. [Note: again, draconic transliteration is difficult, and scholars are divided on what exactly Sutoba was trying to say. For further discussion see Gloorville's Rise and Fall: The Fates and Fame of the Great Eastern Explorers.]

1. Codex Ingenuous
2. Index Ingenuous
3. Ergniramniphoniclufiville
4. Meteoric Temple

Xemoniphon the Elder

Xemoniphon the Elder is a famed artist who lived in the Third Dynasty of Meteora¹, which in itself was no easy feat. Most famous for the Haiku of Keysmith Xemoniphon the Elder², Xemoniphon’s works in philosophy, poetry, numerology, and baking culminated in the creation of many keys, apparently at the behest of none other than Atherton Guage³ himself. The exact number of keys created in Xemoniphon’s time is unknown, as is his particular role in their creation.

Unlike many other figures of his time, certain details of Xemoniphon’s life are known, both from the Codex Ingenuous⁴ and other firsthand artifacts, surviving despite (or perhaps because of) his mortality. Indeed, many such documents seem to reference his impending death. From a love/hate-letter from Fiona the Too-Young-To-Die to Wilfred the Impulsive, we know he was accidentally conceived during a particularly distressing act of ingenuosity by Kelorna the Extremely Confused⁵. He took an apprenticeship at the remains of a library where he was tasked with reconstructing scraps of books, and subsequently fired when the librarian realized he couldn’t read. From there, he took a job at a bakery, where the exposure to dragonfire ovens seemed to change him⁶.

According to a resurfaced court record, two years after this supposed change in personality, a lawsuit formed of families of customers who reportedly had gone insane upon consumption of his croissants (among the complainants was the wife of a former head-baker in the shop). The suit claimed these croissants used “an unreasonable number of dimensions” and “uncountably finite” folds of butter. This lawsuit was dismissed after Exhibit A reportedly gave the judge a brief seizure, during which the judge absolved him of all blame by blinking wildly and convulsing on the floor. The decision was appealed, but due to double jeopardy laws, fell through. This suit purportedly attracted the attention of many famed scholars of the day, in particular Atherton, as detailed in a parable in the Codex Ingenuous, the Delicious Temptation of the Wheelmind.

The fame of the Haiku leads some scholars to disregard the importance of his baking, but in truth, baking was the ultimate source of his many skills. For what more performative art is there than in the fleeting bites of a meal well cooked? Xemoniphon pioneered many of the famed dragonfire and keysmithing techniques in his time as a patissier. According to a take-out menu, one of the most popular items served was a cupcake, which tasted exactly how people thought it tasted⁷.

The death of Xemoniphon is haughtily debated amongst scholars. Some argue that it was an act of Kelorna, others say the roving dragons got to him first, and others point to an intriguing story in the Codex itself, in which he popped into thin air after disproving his existence by a series of petit fours.

1. Third Dynasty of Meteora
2. Haiku of Keysmith Xemoniphon the Elder
3. Atherton Guage
4. Codex Ingenuous
5. Kelorna the Extremely Confused
6. The Educational Exploitation of Dragon Fire
7. Ontological cost

Yellow wyrmidon

One of the most famous case studies in dragon conservation is that of the yellow wyrmidon. While its cousin, the black wyrmidon, is still extant across most of the Scorialic Sea¹, the yellow wyrmidon is now extinct. The yellow-skinned black wyrmidon is hunted at a sustainable rate, since its black licorice taste has only a small but ardent following -- as evident from the mere two entries in Pulluman's Ninety Unexpected Recipes for Dragonflesh that make use of it, and in relatively small quantities. On the other hand, the black-skinned yellow wyrmidon features in fourteen entries in the same book. Once Dr. Gumphry² amended the Underground Academy budget and reallocated the mathematics department's funding to her confection side business³ on Pulluman's⁴ insistence, the increased demand wiped the yellow wyrmidon out. (She has since had to switch to using chidl⁵ meat, which explains why the quality has nosedived as of late.)

The lessons learned from the yellow wyrmidon extinction have since galvanized dragon conservationists to push for legislation protecting turtledragons⁶, which are no longer, whether or not they were before, endangered. This was accomplished largely via mass emailing. These methods have drawn criticism⁷, but mostly from people who caused the problem in the first place, so they probably deserved it. On an unrelated note, attached are the email addresses of all the faculty members of the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds.

1. Scorialic Sea
2. Talonstain
3. The Beautiful Cupcakes of Dr. Ophelia Gumphry from the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
4. Talonstain
5. Childarn
6. Turtledragons
7. Ontological cost

Ｙｏｕ　ｆｏｏｌｓ　ｈａｖｅ　ｎｏ　ｉｄｅａ　ｗｈｏ　ｙｏｕ＇ｒｅ　ｍｅｓｓｉｎｇ　ｗｉｔｈ！　Ｐｒａｉｓｅ　ｂｅ　ｔｏ　ｔｈｅ　ＡＬＭＩＧＨＴＹ　ＭＵＳＣＡＥ！！！

Muscae¹, this ｍａｇｎｉｆｉｃｅｎｔ species of ｄｒａｇｏｎ was propelled into the public eye after the well-known ｒｉｇｈｔｉｎｇ　ｏｆ　ｗｒｏｎｇｓ² at a dragon science symposium. This ｒｉｇｈｔｅｏｕｓ action indeed opened the door to searches for missing fragments of the Codex Ingenuous³, prompting a widespread interest⁴ in this ＩＭＰＯＲＴＡＮＴ tome. Of further import, it unveiled a metakey that may be the greatest yet. The numerology in the protoellipses⁵ of any key was discovered to correlate directly to the mind control spell⁶ found in the ＶＥＲＹ　ＵＮＩＭＰＯＲＴＡＮＴ search for Appendices Ingenuous⁷ pages, in fact, the prime numbered protoellipsed⁸ keys prove to not only serve as a focus, but it is arguable that they match known non-trivial zeros in the Riemann-Zeta function of the numbered gears of the Guage Enigma⁹, which amplify the effect tenfold. Of greater note, the perfect square protoellipsed keys ＳＥＲＶＥ　ＮＯ　ＰＵＲＰＯＳＥ　ＡＮＤ　ＥＶＥＮ　ＩＦ　ＴＨＥＹ　ＤＩＤ　ＮＵＭＥＲＯＬＯＧＹ　ＩＳ　Ａ　ＷＡＳＴＥ　ＯＦ　ＴＩＭＥ．

ＷＨＹ　ＤＯＥＳ　ＴＨＩＳ　ＭＡＮ　ＤＩＳＣＵＳＳ　ＮＵＭＢＥＲＳ　ＡＮＤ　ＫＥＹＳＡＮＤ　ＮＯＴ　ＦＩＮＤＩＮＧ　ＴＨＥ　ＣＯＤＥＸ？　

1. Ordo Draco
2. Please Don't Shoot, We'll Do It Act
3. Codex Ingenuous
4. Seasonal Enrollment for the Underground Academy for Gifted Minds
5. Protoellipses
6. Unicode
7. Appendices Ingenuous
8. Protoellipses
9. Guage Enigma